This is an honest letter.
Laying the cards down
and being genuinely vulnerable.

So many things in my mind.
I don't know if Iam a mistake
or the society needs to accept.

I've been bundling up my emotions and feelings
As if you are trying to keep the kittens controled.
I was least bothered about any of those.
But now, I finally realize that it's too much.

I think of people and friends to share
But my mind goes blank.
And I sit or lay getting lost in thoughts.
It may seem nothing but it feels real.

I stay up hours on the rooftop,
Bearing the cold wind, staring at the sky
And listening to music.
With a cup of warm water.

I just keep crying at the laughers of other's family
And the bonding shared of understanding.
I always thought, my family is doing well.
But it's a mess. I feel like i put on a mask everytime.

I can't tell others because it's my business.
I can't let them know because I have a face.
I can't share to them because they may judge.
I can't tell anyone because I'm afraid
to be vulnerable.

However, this makes me want to understand
Others more and care for them.
Although I may be misunderstood and not be
Understood, seeing them happy makes me happy too

I've been looking out for people to chat with.
Just to distract my mind.
And if possible, connect with them
But I can't let them be bothered with my problems
Because who knows, they may be hurt deeper than me.

To be honest, I've lost faith in Love
But a single hope still remains
And it depends upon my other siblings.
That part of my future depends upon them.

I had a ring since standard 8,
I have always wore it as a sign of my commitment.
But after experiencing the brokenness,
And failing myself, one day, I took it off
And no rings have I wore after.

It makes me feel unworthy of love.
Undeserving of true love.
Because of the regret and shame,
Am I just being harsh on myself?

I have a friend with whom I can connect so well.
IAM so happy to have my friends.
But maybe I compared too much.?
Their lives seems more understood than mine.

This makes me think,
Is it me who needs to be changed.?
Is it me who need to care more.?
Is it me who need to understand more.?
Maybe IAM self-pitying?

I believe in God. IAM a believer.
I know His grace remains.
But IAM so filled with guilt, that
I don't want to turn to Him.

The regret of failing Him over and over,
the regret of breaking my promises.
the regret of being guilty.
But I know it's just my feeling and is not true.

Look, I know my doings.
I know the truth.
I know what to do.
I know how things work.

So, I don't need someone who'd tell me what to do
I don't need someone who'd encourage me.
I don't need who'd give me advises.
Honestly, all their encouragements and advises make me sick.

Those make me feel judged.
I know all of what they say, i don't need those
Because I've experienced and can think valid.
My understanding reaches their level.
I don't need those because it doesn't help me.

All I need is someone who would understand truly.
Someone who won't make me feel judged
And someone who won't make me feel little.
Just someone who will understand.

As I lay on bed with tears,
Trying to keep my voice low
Because I'm not alone here.
I can feel the pain in my chest
And flowing through my body.
The joins acing and having difficult to move.

It has been so long since I last felt it.
This makes if I'm really getting effected.
Sometimes, I laugh out loud
Because it feels nice to see myself smile.

I stood on the roof, look down
And feel the Call of the Void vividly.
I desire to take a leap beyond the platform
But sometimes keeps stopping me.
Something that is mixed with fear and principles.

I just want to go out with friends
Without any worry of parents
Just a day, to refresh my mind and
Distract my thoughts. Eventually, making me smile.

I write in order to dispose my feelings.
I write because only than, I feel a bit understood.
Time goes by too quick and it's time
To get some sleep.
Goodnight.

*I know these are just temporary. Just feelings and will be away soon. Dealing with it is no big deal. What is there that cannot be managed.

© sese (17-12-2020)