Sometimes depression creeps up on me. Then I feel like in a dark place without hope or love or a chance of happiness. I want to die, end this pointless lonely life.

I know better and I know I can do better. But the loneliness stays. It's like a companion I didn't choose. A horrible sidekick which I can't get rid of. As if loneliness was the only one who ever fell in love with me.

So I wonder what our children will be like. Not the children I imagined with him. With those beautiful eyes. Invoking this deliciously painful feeling in my gut whenever I see them, whenever I think about them. The children I will bear with loneliness. Hollow creatures, leaving me feeling empty.

I wish I knew what could fill this emptiness. Is there anything on this planet, in this universe? Other men are just band aids, unable to cover the wound of my lonely heart. Please doctor help me for my life is bleeding out. Such a waste of potential, such a waste of a beautiful heart.