I never knew love as a child everyone that used that phrase with me well let's just say they ended up hurting me in some awful ways. So I ran from it he'll I ran so fucking fast you would have thought I broke the sound barrier.
Yup, I was in this bubble and I knew I just knew my heart was safe. Did I mention I was so full of myself that even I wanted to slap myself?
So I just moved to a cute house in a neighborhood near my work. Met some of the locals and made friends with big-mouth Betty.
So one day I was all dressed up and looking so cute when this God-awful guy comes into Betty he gives me his hand like to shake it and I almost threw up, he didn't get mad or upset he smiled and at that moment I fell hook line and sinker.
His name was Rodney and we became friends and eventually lovers. His was a different type of love that I had never felt. Being respected taught me how to love myself and not take myself so seriously.
Right around that time, my mom's cancer came back so aggressive that I almost didn't recognize the person in front of me. She was the strongest person in my world and she was broken and I couldn't fix her. Still she pushed on for another year.
Rodney and I had moved in together and I was doing great at my job. Thanksgiving was coming up when Rodney first told me he loved me. Seewe we're moving from one city to another.
So as a child my mom was always sick and I remember being terrified of losing her because who was gonna love me take care of me if she died. There was a moment when I put a mirror under her nose to make sure she was alive. She caught me and saw the fear in my eyes and she smiled and told me baby one day your gonna need to let me go and I'm gonna need to let u live your life but not today and I promise you I won't leave this earth until your ready.
Now he I was moving on with my life with the man I love and my mom was bedridden holding on to me.
I mustered up all my nerves and went by her side, I kissed her forehead and did the hardest thing I have ever done. I let go!
I told her that she raised a good person the type of person she would be proud of that I wasn't scared anymore and she didn't need to fight anymore she could rest. She passed away 7 days later.
I was hurting so bad I went to work to pick up my check when Betty calls me over and tells me to sit down, no said what's this about? This is the moment my life was forever changed. She told me Rodney was struck by a car tossed 75 ft in the air broke every bone and died instantaneously.
This wasn't happening to me not me I prayed honors his word was selflessly I gave of myself to help any and everybody.
Turns out I lost my world 3 hours apart a day apart.
To say that my heart was broken was an understatement it was shattered. I prayed for death and tried 3times but she wouldn't come for me. There were days I cried in my sleep. What did I do to offend you lord and why did you take the only ppl that loved me. No answer well I'll show him. So I took every drug known to man. I overdosed on herion in an abandoned bldg and was found 3 blocks down the police officer held me while I begged him to let me go. Then I attempted to jump off a bridge when I let go of the rail a policeman grabbed me and flung me back over, again cried and begged him to let me go but all he said to me was he's got something bigger for u don't give up.
Wait I knew this voice and I had seen him before. The same police officer. I tried to find him to thank him but there was never a report of an overdose or a jumper.
So I fell on my knees and let my higher power know, I was angry I was hurting I was alone! No my child never alone.
I'd like to say I fully recovered but I haven't id like to say I learned some big lesson but I didn't. BUT now I believe that there are angels among us. Heck you might just be one.