So I go to school, in Hamden, CT. I walked to and from home everyday and I was calm, happy, and just wanted to be left alone or maybe because it was one of the few times my mom acknowledge me and I felt like she had my back. That was very rare, if she wasn't yelling and screaming at me. About what I was doing wrong, it was very negative. Most of the time I felt like a burden or a extra problem she didn't want to deal with, so u can see why I was do happy going to school. After recess we all were getting into line and the girl pushed me in the back, so I pushed get right back. She said,"Oh u think u can fight now." I said,"No I just have permission to kick your ass now." Of course the teacher came to break it up. My mom didn't care she was just happy she didn't have to hear a phone call anymore. After the fight me and the girl became friends. Of course, you had your cliche cliques🙄like who was popular, who was bf and gf, and who was screwing around. The kids were alot more fast and grown back then. So I felt like why did I have to be mature so fast. and see the world and there problems before they see it themselves. Why are the people that's probably going to hell, get by with ease. They say in the bible, the devil rewards his children as well as God lookout and rewards his children. The devil already have his children so of course his kids are going to make it look like your missing out or there life is so much better. Most people need validation to make sure that they are still relavent, while, you have others that know there worth and just tired of dealing with loser ass people. I thought being nice to people and helping them, was what you are suppose to do. I had a gap, and my mom knew nothing of fashion, so I got picked on from time to time. I told a girl in class one day, her underwear was showing cause she had on a dress. This little bitch said,"why you looking at me." I just turned around and listen to the teacher. We we're all sitting down for story time, but it was like why everytime I tried to look out or do something nice.🤔 I got treated bad for it, so I just kept my distance and dealt with people that dealt with me. I just always had my own mind and view of doing things. If you around black females, you understand that if it's not there way or you not listening to them🙄you different, corny, or weird. Ok I'm sorry if I don't want to sign up and be another basic whore from New Haven County like the rest. I always felt that females from here be jealous or hateful, when you not like them or have a body count like them. Do you have to have a number of set bodies before your accepted?🤔 People from here respect people that gives them nothing and treats them bad, while they condemn and crucify the people that want to be there and help. After a while of begging my mom, to go to a birthday party that was a sleep over. I started hanging out with a girl that was really nice and pretty. We would walk around see kids in the neighborhood. Eventually I started to feel like I was living a normal childhood life for a change. I still had to be in the house at a certain time of course but it was worth not being in the house. At home my mom and my brother and sister father started getting bad. They had football parties and spade games all the time. We would travel and go down South, either to Maryland or North Carolina cause of my mom best friend. Maryland my brother and sister father had family we would stay with, I would watch people a lot either trying to understand why they do the things they do or talk the way they do🤔 maybe cause I was so annoyed with hearing yelling, screaming, and cussing all day. I think growing up it was very negative, even thou most go threw negativity but I think because they had more of a outlet, they were able to mature and find themselves early on as they grew up. So I didn't know how to even interact with children my own age because it was always negative. I would hear from my father side. I was the oldest, the example, but I didn't even have one myself and with my mom and her issues, I can only just guess, to do the right thing. Next thing I know, I'm moving across town. Just graduated from elementary and going to middle school. My mom moved without telling my brother and sister father. Now the problem is was that he would put his hands on my mom when he got drunk, and go missing all night when he got off of work, but always made it home. To watch his kids of course cause my mom worked days, at the hoe ass hospital Yale🙄 😳 look I'm sorry but I was surprised and not impressed when I worked there. Really disappointed on how, very unprofessional it was. I'm a Aquarius♒ so I'm all about carrying for others, it's easy it's called accommodation🙄 but I not only saw none of that but no empathy among the young generation. Everyone act like they where entitled and arrogant. I don't mix well around all that. So when my mom came home, he went to work. I just felt that, I missed out or lost relationships that I could have grew up with. When I moved across town I still found myself in my room all over again, even thou I still found a few friends. It's was more like they had there own friends and things going on already. I'm not really the type to intrude, so I would say around middle school is when I started to get into anime. Not the manga but cartoon network showed shows once a week at that time, like Dragonball Z, Outlaw Star, Cowboy Bebop, and that's just off the top of my head. I love to draw at that time, which I still have my portfolio. Growing up I would dream of me being in another world almost like bring reborn. Maybe I should have been writing and coming up with stories a long time ago but when you have no mentor or guidance, it takes time to figure all this out. When your own kind at like they always against you, it's not easy to move forward and stay strong. If that's the case we would have more mentors and empathetic society.
© Jocelyn Ceasar