Nestled in the restless night, I toss and turn with my thoughts. Thoughts that chirp like crickets, and buzz like the faint flickers of streetlights.

Thoughts of my future, if I live long enough to see it.

If...

And it all comes crashing down again.

Ever since I was a little brat, I was paranoid about dying.
At night, I'd have nightmares about wrinkling till I rot, I still do. My mother would tuck a blade under my pillow, saying it would ward the demons away.
(Really, the only demons it wards off are my own, when the blade bleeds me out on my blankets.)

Death...
I could die anytime, even right now...

That realisation is what makes me clench my chest, press at my pulse, and mutter prayers long forgotten...

"I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die."

Sweat and tears claw at my soul, my stomach twisting in itself, my throat tangling in thorns...

"I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die..."

What have I achieved in the few years I've lived? Will anyone cry? Will anyone miss me? Will anyone even remember?

"I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die, I don't wanna die..."

My words, which cursed life itself...
How they mock me now...!

"I don't wanna-"

That feeling of fear usually lasts a few minutes.

"I don't wanna die."
Those bitter words leave a tangy taste on my tongue. Even if I repeat them, for some inexplicable reason, they feel false.

What am I freaking out over?
What use is life without someone who cares about me, anyways?

The only being who'd give a damn if I died is the stray dog I feed biscuits to.

Hahaha.
Haha.
Ha.

That's funny.

I should probably sleep.

Nestled in the restless night, I toss and turn with my thoughts. Thoughts that chirp like crickets, and buzz like the faint flickers of streetlights.

Thoughts of my future, oh well... I ain't living long enough to see it.
© Hyde