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Accepting What Was
Have you ever been hated by the one person that you loved more than any one?
Hated by that one single person in this entire world that you consider your world, is so hard to accept.
It's devastating.
You lay in bed, night after night, trying to understand them.
Trying to understand why they stopped loving you.
You constantly question your own mind, asking "where did it all go wrong?" and "Why don't they love you anymore?" telling yourself that there has to be a part of the that still loves you.
Its almost as if your drowning in your own misery.
Your heart feels as if it has literally sustained and injury.
It feels as if your in torturous waters being carried away towards a water fall with no lifeboat in sight and no one around to help save you.
Some say they feel like they are lost and that the one that they love doesnt seem to even notice them.
You keep having to remind yourself that you had no knowledge of the consequences of your actions, before hand..As you think to yourself. " How was one to know that they would end up here broken hearted?" had they only known,would they still had done it that way???
but yet here they are, 20 years later. but deep down inside, she knows that she would be telling herself a lie.
She would be lying to herself, If she said she knew he would never leave her.
She must have been a fool to think that their love would never die.
but she never really thought that there would come a day that he wouldn't even try, that he wouldn't even look at her in her eyes.
If she had to be honest she saw the red flags.
She saw the red lights.
Whatever it was that she was suppose to see as a warning about him, she saw them all.
Yet she just wanted so much to be the one to save him, to change him for the better man she thought he could be.
But never did she think that he could stop loving her the way he had or that one day he would want to be rid of her.
I know what you must be thinking as you read this, your probably saying to yourself " it's easy just move on find yourself someone else to love". but to her it seemed impossible, he was all that she could think of.
Sure it sounded so easy, "leave him" she often heard.
but it was so very difficult for her when she actually had to do just that.
But you see she still till this day did not know what she did to make him stop loving her.
She had spend 20 years loving him and him loving her, so she thought. Everyone might not agree but for her it was like she spent 7,300 days and 7,300 nights with him which feels more like 14, 600 days and nights total give or take a few days and nights.
That was so much of her time and energy. so much of her life, wasted.
She spent so many years loving someone that never intended on reciprocating the love she had given them.
but as she sat there with tears in her eyes on their bathroom floor.
It was then that she finally realized that his love had already left their place.
What once was love had now turned in to anger and boredom that he was giving to her. No matter how much she loved him he would fight even harder pushing her away.
His eyes were still the same beautiful eyes she had fallen in love with.
Except they no longer sparkled when they looked into hers.
All she ever saw in his was anger, rage, hatred, and boredom.
Sometimes she even caught a hint of disgust.
Which undeniably broke her heart into two.
It shattered her world.
She never was quite the same after he left.
The day he left he took a piece of her heart with him.
10/1/2021
© Stephanie M.H
© Stephanie mh
Hated by that one single person in this entire world that you consider your world, is so hard to accept.
It's devastating.
You lay in bed, night after night, trying to understand them.
Trying to understand why they stopped loving you.
You constantly question your own mind, asking "where did it all go wrong?" and "Why don't they love you anymore?" telling yourself that there has to be a part of the that still loves you.
Its almost as if your drowning in your own misery.
Your heart feels as if it has literally sustained and injury.
It feels as if your in torturous waters being carried away towards a water fall with no lifeboat in sight and no one around to help save you.
Some say they feel like they are lost and that the one that they love doesnt seem to even notice them.
You keep having to remind yourself that you had no knowledge of the consequences of your actions, before hand..As you think to yourself. " How was one to know that they would end up here broken hearted?" had they only known,would they still had done it that way???
but yet here they are, 20 years later. but deep down inside, she knows that she would be telling herself a lie.
She would be lying to herself, If she said she knew he would never leave her.
She must have been a fool to think that their love would never die.
but she never really thought that there would come a day that he wouldn't even try, that he wouldn't even look at her in her eyes.
If she had to be honest she saw the red flags.
She saw the red lights.
Whatever it was that she was suppose to see as a warning about him, she saw them all.
Yet she just wanted so much to be the one to save him, to change him for the better man she thought he could be.
But never did she think that he could stop loving her the way he had or that one day he would want to be rid of her.
I know what you must be thinking as you read this, your probably saying to yourself " it's easy just move on find yourself someone else to love". but to her it seemed impossible, he was all that she could think of.
Sure it sounded so easy, "leave him" she often heard.
but it was so very difficult for her when she actually had to do just that.
But you see she still till this day did not know what she did to make him stop loving her.
She had spend 20 years loving him and him loving her, so she thought. Everyone might not agree but for her it was like she spent 7,300 days and 7,300 nights with him which feels more like 14, 600 days and nights total give or take a few days and nights.
That was so much of her time and energy. so much of her life, wasted.
She spent so many years loving someone that never intended on reciprocating the love she had given them.
but as she sat there with tears in her eyes on their bathroom floor.
It was then that she finally realized that his love had already left their place.
What once was love had now turned in to anger and boredom that he was giving to her. No matter how much she loved him he would fight even harder pushing her away.
His eyes were still the same beautiful eyes she had fallen in love with.
Except they no longer sparkled when they looked into hers.
All she ever saw in his was anger, rage, hatred, and boredom.
Sometimes she even caught a hint of disgust.
Which undeniably broke her heart into two.
It shattered her world.
She never was quite the same after he left.
The day he left he took a piece of her heart with him.
10/1/2021
© Stephanie M.H
© Stephanie mh
