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SLASHER-FILES: The Killer Crone of Slatsville
SLATSVILLE BULLETIN

Officers swarmed local eatery Gutsy Gary's early Saturday morning in response to a 911 call from the popular doughnut shop. The call gave responders only a garbled mess of screams of agony and muffled cries for help, and 911 operators and police have yet to identify any of the voices, or any of the remains.

First to arrive as always, Sergeant Dane Gribbits pulled his patrol car to a halt outside the scene just moments after the call. Due to the unknown nature of the crime, and the ominous 911 call, officers were advised not to enter the building alone. However Gribbits inexplicably entered by himself before any backup arrived.

Witnesses say the career officer appeared dazed as he stumbled over the frozen stone steps towards the entrance, as if compelled by some unseen force. According to local trash can painter and professional underwater basket weaver Beatrix Flagweevil, she attempted to warn Gribbits but was unable.

"I shouted at him, you see! I yelled not to go into Gutsy Gary's but he acted like he couldn't hear me! Damn it all, you'd think he'd have enough sense...