I used to be so lively,
literally the life of the party,
the second I knew there was a party I'd grab my crew tell them let's drop the usual let's go dance til we can't dance no more fight til we wake up on that cell floor, or love someone like there will be no tomorrow........

but just for the night...

most the time we found our selves having such a good time, not just during high school, but after school would end too, all the people that knew me, the few I got close to, all said there was a few things they admired about me ,
1- i find the positive in everything

yeh I kind of remember her...



2- i dont let no one tell me what to do ,I am my own person..


I am.still that girl I just am more of an empath these days and thats a blessing and a curse all in one let me tell you ,



3- no matter how many times I get knocked down, I'll always get back up stronger and harder then before

I hope that still exists in this girl I am today, cos god knows I want to believe these people but it's hard when I can't remember how to be her 🤷


then there is the few things they all hate to love about me
so I talk loud and fast, if U listen properly U might just catch what I am saying,
especially after a glass or two, I get a little crazy a little coo coo, if I am quiet everyone is asking the same question what's up what's wrong since when U so quiet,
so rebellious, and viscous, far from perfect, don't know how to accept compliments rather smile awkwardly and walk away feeling that anxiety,
she was the black sheep amongst the family that she didn't choose, she knew what she knew and she wouldn't let any one spook
that girl she hid inside,
she was a soldier,
socialist butterfly,
her smile so contagious
her laugh so loud, she could talk for ages, about literally nothing , and have U laughing a million and one times during without even knowing what Ur laughing about , checks get sore can't laugh no more,

then something happened, well alot actually and I found my self in a life long battle with no other then myself and my heart, I don't know if I listen to my head and it sends me back again or if I follow my heart only to end up listening to my head again , and the cycle continues again🧡💓 again and around and around I can't hear a word I can't make a sound I don't know who I am yeh I remember her but how was she her, how was she so strong and independent how did she hide all her lonely thoughts bad feelings how did she not let them get to her how the fuck did she let no one in, why am I here feeling sorry for myself and everyone around me like being an empath is a blessing ?! 🙄
I don't know if what I am feeling is what I am actually feeling from within ,
like is it my heart ,
my gut
or my head ,
so confused,
shattered
I am left wondering
I am listening carefully
I can hear the devil whispers
and the angels cry
I don't know if it is even me or someone else feelings I am feeling,
I ain't know cos being an empath make U feel the pain of others like U ain't ever feel the pain of being shattered, and fo'sure
makes you never want to feel the pain of others💔



and let me tell u there is no winning when U are battling...
.you!!!


I don't need U to understand I don't need U to.pretend U care, i wasn't a thought in ur mind when U left me so far behind, so tell me who is she, who is she,who is me???what is it ur losing with me leaving Babii...

cos as far as the eyes can see
U ain't really wanting to be with me and it's ok if thats how it is
then let it be ,
don't try changing it
dont try to take control,
just let our lives take their destiny weather it be alone or together,
it is what is meant to be
I just want U to be happy
your smile and ur happniess is what really matters,
when ur alone with no one to hold no one to turn to when things turn ugly and cold ,
no one to bring to all the parties
cos love has left U dancing without any music, and without any company,
cos his subconscious was telling him " she ain't worth it" so he grabbed his shit and he left her,
the impact was devistating
she felt it before it even happened she feels everything,
every emotion,
even all the ones U try to hide
I feel that shit ten fold
it ain't easy being an empath
who can put yourself in another's shoes and imagine life from their point of view !
it ain't easy being a slut
when you been with LESS people then the fingers of one hand✋ it ain't easy loving someone who won't love U back
but pulls his strings and he got U acting like a
a yo yo, a fuckiin puppet, dancing away, acting like a Muppet ,
trying anything to be the reason for his grin,
I cant help the way I feel ,
I can't help what takes over my soul
I want to be normal,
I want to be in control,
I want direction
I couldve sworn I had it but must of lost it
I want it back again
I want common sense,
I want to be her ,
I want to be the Girl in the mirror ,
I want to be
that girl i vaguely remember
I want to be me.

© sandiiRsalt