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L.F.T.D (Letters For The Dead)- Dear Jessica
Dear Jess,
I know it's been a while since we talked. This is my first time addressing everything that happened but I admit that I think about it a lot. Sometimes I wish I could have protected you and slapped that bullshit out of your hands and the hand of a so-called "friend” They were NOT friends. I play it over and over in my head and just think “Maybe if I would have done something more, I could have saved you” but the reality is the nature of the beast is greater than any amount of love or " tough love" I could have given you. I purposely stepped back from you in hopes that you wouldn't follow the same path that led me and so many others astray. Is this the Destiny of our future? I think back to the first moment I laid eyes on you. You were one of the most beautiful women I had ever been blessed enough to call a friend. You were so smart, you didn't belong with us hopeless ass dope chasers. I truly believe you could have done anything and you would have succeeded. Unfortunately, you chose to be like them so-called “friends" that ruined so many lives along with their own. I was no saint by any means, but I wouldn't have been able to live with myself had you followed the same path due to me. We never really dated, but we shared some very happy moments being free and young. I remember how safe you felt in my arms. You helped me so much. You made me realize that beauty isn't about looks, even though you were very blessed as a 10/10 all day. I remember how we caressed each other's skin and how you held onto my back putting your fingernails gently into my back as we made love. For once in a very long time, you helped me feel. Even though I was "high as a kite" all the painkillers in the world could never overshadow what a true Angel you truly were. If I'm being honest I wanted to love you unfortunately, I felt I couldn't love you the way you deserved because of my addiction. Sometimes when I look back I believe that maybe I should have just tried more. At that time in my life, I was trying to kill myself with substances daily because of the pain I carried inside. I didn't want to live until I met you and we spent such deep talks and time together I miss that. Our 4 year age gap was also a reason I stepped aside but the main reason I pulled away was because of what I saw that day. This was a different "you" and these girls that you looked up to had no good intentions for you. I remember walking in catching you struggling to shove a needle filled with melted suboxone that looked like melted plastic into your arm. Honestly, I felt rage. And as you asked for my belt I said no. I wanted no part of helping you sign your soul over to the same demon I faced. I walked away that day with tears in my eyes. I realize now nothing I could have done would have stopped you In the long run but I wish I had tried more. Truth is, I didn't even know how ugly I had become, let alone anyone else. I remember seeing you when you had got back on the right track. My mother would ask me all the time “Who is that Pretty Girl waving at you?” and to look over and see you with a smile that could light up the room. It always warmed my heart. I'd hug you and always patted myself on the back for the times we did share lol. You truly seen people past their "flaws" and you could see the best in anyone. Tonight I wipe tears because it's your 30th birthday and you're not here to enjoy it. Your daughter is motherless and it kills me inside. I just want you to know my love for you is eternal. You are the sunrise. You are the light, You are everything beautiful. When I hear the birds sing outside and I think of you. I remember seeing your graduation picture and I was like “This Girl has the world and will school anything she decides to do” You were in Cosmetology but you also wanted to be a nurse which I believe would have been great. So many things were left unsaid when you tragically passed into the arms of God to a brighter place where only love exists. I believe this world didn't deserve you. You were too beautiful and pure for this place. I wish your daughter had more time with you. When I decided to get help and end my addictions I heard some scary stories about you. I was worried but I was consumed fighting with my demons.
Now that I'm approaching a decade of recovery not a week passes that I don't think of you and how painful losing you was. I just wanted to say I Love you buddy and Happy Birthday may you fly high and stay forever young.
All of my Love
Anthony
© Adhdishe
I know it's been a while since we talked. This is my first time addressing everything that happened but I admit that I think about it a lot. Sometimes I wish I could have protected you and slapped that bullshit out of your hands and the hand of a so-called "friend” They were NOT friends. I play it over and over in my head and just think “Maybe if I would have done something more, I could have saved you” but the reality is the nature of the beast is greater than any amount of love or " tough love" I could have given you. I purposely stepped back from you in hopes that you wouldn't follow the same path that led me and so many others astray. Is this the Destiny of our future? I think back to the first moment I laid eyes on you. You were one of the most beautiful women I had ever been blessed enough to call a friend. You were so smart, you didn't belong with us hopeless ass dope chasers. I truly believe you could have done anything and you would have succeeded. Unfortunately, you chose to be like them so-called “friends" that ruined so many lives along with their own. I was no saint by any means, but I wouldn't have been able to live with myself had you followed the same path due to me. We never really dated, but we shared some very happy moments being free and young. I remember how safe you felt in my arms. You helped me so much. You made me realize that beauty isn't about looks, even though you were very blessed as a 10/10 all day. I remember how we caressed each other's skin and how you held onto my back putting your fingernails gently into my back as we made love. For once in a very long time, you helped me feel. Even though I was "high as a kite" all the painkillers in the world could never overshadow what a true Angel you truly were. If I'm being honest I wanted to love you unfortunately, I felt I couldn't love you the way you deserved because of my addiction. Sometimes when I look back I believe that maybe I should have just tried more. At that time in my life, I was trying to kill myself with substances daily because of the pain I carried inside. I didn't want to live until I met you and we spent such deep talks and time together I miss that. Our 4 year age gap was also a reason I stepped aside but the main reason I pulled away was because of what I saw that day. This was a different "you" and these girls that you looked up to had no good intentions for you. I remember walking in catching you struggling to shove a needle filled with melted suboxone that looked like melted plastic into your arm. Honestly, I felt rage. And as you asked for my belt I said no. I wanted no part of helping you sign your soul over to the same demon I faced. I walked away that day with tears in my eyes. I realize now nothing I could have done would have stopped you In the long run but I wish I had tried more. Truth is, I didn't even know how ugly I had become, let alone anyone else. I remember seeing you when you had got back on the right track. My mother would ask me all the time “Who is that Pretty Girl waving at you?” and to look over and see you with a smile that could light up the room. It always warmed my heart. I'd hug you and always patted myself on the back for the times we did share lol. You truly seen people past their "flaws" and you could see the best in anyone. Tonight I wipe tears because it's your 30th birthday and you're not here to enjoy it. Your daughter is motherless and it kills me inside. I just want you to know my love for you is eternal. You are the sunrise. You are the light, You are everything beautiful. When I hear the birds sing outside and I think of you. I remember seeing your graduation picture and I was like “This Girl has the world and will school anything she decides to do” You were in Cosmetology but you also wanted to be a nurse which I believe would have been great. So many things were left unsaid when you tragically passed into the arms of God to a brighter place where only love exists. I believe this world didn't deserve you. You were too beautiful and pure for this place. I wish your daughter had more time with you. When I decided to get help and end my addictions I heard some scary stories about you. I was worried but I was consumed fighting with my demons.
Now that I'm approaching a decade of recovery not a week passes that I don't think of you and how painful losing you was. I just wanted to say I Love you buddy and Happy Birthday may you fly high and stay forever young.
All of my Love
Anthony
© Adhdishe
