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Hopeful Confusion
A clarity that hurts you is better than the hopeful confusion that holds you....!
7:51 PM
6 March 2024
Evening SHIMLA
I waited from yesterday evening till tomorrow to see my crush I hope you know that. Well first thing first, Yesterday I saw a nightmare of college where I saw my crush was absent and I saw myself sad there, well to be very honest I was praying in bus that Almighty please let him come to college today please please and please and I saw backside of his jacket at 12:00 PM and a sigh of relief that he has come to college. After break I saw him. He was wearing jeans and black jacket and he had his bag with him, so I supposed that he is leaving without seeing me and I just kept looking, he turned back and his two more friends we're with him and I was just in front, I looked at him and he too, then back I greeted him with eyes and he had a gentle smile as he greeted back and then he chi chatted with his friends and then few stares and then I went back to class. When we got off, this was the first time when I saw him and us getting off at same time. I waited till for my friends and after some times he came with his girls and he looked at me two times and then they walked on there own cause his group they walked so slow that my friends overtook him and I left. I just had 10 minutes of him in 24 hours _ 6 hours. I am btw listening to Hasi ban gayay what a song.
I am really so confused I swear I don't know what happened to me, I am tear eyed right now, I am so disturbed, it feels as if nothing has left. I don't know the feeling really I don't know.
I have been observing a girl from my class from a year. Even though she has a boyfriend she still keeps looking at my crush. Maybe he is her crush too. She likes him too and I can sense from her behavior , the way she behaves I can sense it fully. Anyways I don't want to talk about her , she said her parents even engaged her yaaa even though she is 20 let her be. Dear dairy as I told you yesterday my crush is not someone most handsome but yaaa he is the handsome in our college anyways that doesn't matter to me, but really he doesn't even fit in my future partner like I used to say someone who is a gentleman, top at studies, best doctor of time, best in everything, serious type, decent and many many more. But my crush I don't even know anything about me, neither is he serious nor is he top at studie. I still don't care about anything like do you know with him I am feeling just his presence is enough, when it comes to him I don't apply these rules of mine, with him I feel I could just do anything possible to make him happy and yaaa I would never fight with him because all I could do is to love him everyday more and more. I don't know what happened to me but how happy would my life be when me and him are together. I feel I would be at night sky when he stays by my side this line zindagi aur kuch bhi nahi tari mayri kahani hai this line is what I mean just love is enough with him. I just want him to be with him.... what magic does he have Oh Almighty I am dying right now.
Tell me how should I forget him. Like seriously how should I. I guess this time it is going to hurt truly at the core of my heart. This time I can't take it more. I have to see you like this for two and a half years. So will I be like this maintaining eye contacts for two years. I can't bear it. Yaaa at the moment when you look at me I feel I am over the moon but then I have to suffer rest if the time. Those 10 minutes of eye contact and whole 23 and 50 minutes are restless for me. If you left me like this You are going to break me badly. Please dont break me and my hurt.
Suppose if I confessed to you and said No then how will face you again and what if you said I have a girlfriend what should I say then and what if you said I am cheap as I approached a boy myself, what if you said I never think of you in that way, what if you said I think of you as my sister, what if you told to your boy and girl group and whole college will get to know and they will laugh at me , what if you said I am not capable of being your other half. I am so confused about what to do. Well I ma honestly saying that even my classmates call me cool type I don't care what you will say but yaaa there is just one thing that cant let us two be together. Our religion is same I know and yaaa I know still there is a thing that won't let us two be together. And I am 100% sure about it. I don't want you to get hurt because of me. I know you like me too because otherwise you won't keep looking at me, you won't maintain those eye contacts that you do, I am 100% sure about it that you do like me too. Suppose we two got in a relationship and then after few years I am like I can't marry you because of this and that and then we end forever. And what did I gave you nothing but pain. I really don't want you to be painful. It will surely hurt me a lot. And you know I don't want a relationship for late night talks, or for hotels, for dinners, for outings, for kisses or your body or other things. Nope nothing I swear. I just want a relationship where I could look at you forever. Yaaa the above mentioned things will do in future but I want like right now a relationship with you where I am not afraid of people looking at me while looking at you, I want to take care of you, I want to be with you forever. I don't know how to explain it but like yaa even if you stay quite I would still keep looking at you. I have really fallen so hard for you. Please dont let my heart break it will hurt me a lot. Your teeth I saw yesterday they are like amazing like moon really. I just want to say ki "zindagi mai koi kaday aayay naa raba, Aayayy agar fir kbhi jaayay naaa raba". This line is giving me breakup vibes. Well even if I never got to be in relationship with you, I will still keep Cheerishing our eye contacts, Our first eye contact and many more. I don't want to hurt you and will never do and yup in those drmas they show as that they both like ecah other and confess and live a happy life but in really life it doesn't go in that way because things in drama are scripted and in life it is just you keep living the full day and at the end of the day you sit and then you get to know what really was the script of whole day. Do remember this thing that you have really been the heartthrob. Remember there is a heart that beats for you. I just adore you a lot and I am really so much into you. There are mnay ways I could talk with you but I don't want to use any if them because I want you to be yourself. I would never force you. But I will never stop loving you. May be the people out there hate you, but believe me I am always gona love you, because my heart belives that there is something magical in you. Remember I am gonna keep loving you till the end even though I know it will be unrequited love at the end. You know what
Dekha zamaana saara bharam hai
Ishq ibaadat ishq karam hai
Mera theekana tere hi dehleez hai
Ho main hoon deeware
Chhat hai piya tu
Rabb ki mujhe nemat hai piya tu
Mere liye tu barkat ka taveez hai
© reminisce
7:51 PM
6 March 2024
Evening SHIMLA
I waited from yesterday evening till tomorrow to see my crush I hope you know that. Well first thing first, Yesterday I saw a nightmare of college where I saw my crush was absent and I saw myself sad there, well to be very honest I was praying in bus that Almighty please let him come to college today please please and please and I saw backside of his jacket at 12:00 PM and a sigh of relief that he has come to college. After break I saw him. He was wearing jeans and black jacket and he had his bag with him, so I supposed that he is leaving without seeing me and I just kept looking, he turned back and his two more friends we're with him and I was just in front, I looked at him and he too, then back I greeted him with eyes and he had a gentle smile as he greeted back and then he chi chatted with his friends and then few stares and then I went back to class. When we got off, this was the first time when I saw him and us getting off at same time. I waited till for my friends and after some times he came with his girls and he looked at me two times and then they walked on there own cause his group they walked so slow that my friends overtook him and I left. I just had 10 minutes of him in 24 hours _ 6 hours. I am btw listening to Hasi ban gayay what a song.
I am really so confused I swear I don't know what happened to me, I am tear eyed right now, I am so disturbed, it feels as if nothing has left. I don't know the feeling really I don't know.
I have been observing a girl from my class from a year. Even though she has a boyfriend she still keeps looking at my crush. Maybe he is her crush too. She likes him too and I can sense from her behavior , the way she behaves I can sense it fully. Anyways I don't want to talk about her , she said her parents even engaged her yaaa even though she is 20 let her be. Dear dairy as I told you yesterday my crush is not someone most handsome but yaaa he is the handsome in our college anyways that doesn't matter to me, but really he doesn't even fit in my future partner like I used to say someone who is a gentleman, top at studies, best doctor of time, best in everything, serious type, decent and many many more. But my crush I don't even know anything about me, neither is he serious nor is he top at studie. I still don't care about anything like do you know with him I am feeling just his presence is enough, when it comes to him I don't apply these rules of mine, with him I feel I could just do anything possible to make him happy and yaaa I would never fight with him because all I could do is to love him everyday more and more. I don't know what happened to me but how happy would my life be when me and him are together. I feel I would be at night sky when he stays by my side this line zindagi aur kuch bhi nahi tari mayri kahani hai this line is what I mean just love is enough with him. I just want him to be with him.... what magic does he have Oh Almighty I am dying right now.
Tell me how should I forget him. Like seriously how should I. I guess this time it is going to hurt truly at the core of my heart. This time I can't take it more. I have to see you like this for two and a half years. So will I be like this maintaining eye contacts for two years. I can't bear it. Yaaa at the moment when you look at me I feel I am over the moon but then I have to suffer rest if the time. Those 10 minutes of eye contact and whole 23 and 50 minutes are restless for me. If you left me like this You are going to break me badly. Please dont break me and my hurt.
Suppose if I confessed to you and said No then how will face you again and what if you said I have a girlfriend what should I say then and what if you said I am cheap as I approached a boy myself, what if you said I never think of you in that way, what if you said I think of you as my sister, what if you told to your boy and girl group and whole college will get to know and they will laugh at me , what if you said I am not capable of being your other half. I am so confused about what to do. Well I ma honestly saying that even my classmates call me cool type I don't care what you will say but yaaa there is just one thing that cant let us two be together. Our religion is same I know and yaaa I know still there is a thing that won't let us two be together. And I am 100% sure about it. I don't want you to get hurt because of me. I know you like me too because otherwise you won't keep looking at me, you won't maintain those eye contacts that you do, I am 100% sure about it that you do like me too. Suppose we two got in a relationship and then after few years I am like I can't marry you because of this and that and then we end forever. And what did I gave you nothing but pain. I really don't want you to be painful. It will surely hurt me a lot. And you know I don't want a relationship for late night talks, or for hotels, for dinners, for outings, for kisses or your body or other things. Nope nothing I swear. I just want a relationship where I could look at you forever. Yaaa the above mentioned things will do in future but I want like right now a relationship with you where I am not afraid of people looking at me while looking at you, I want to take care of you, I want to be with you forever. I don't know how to explain it but like yaa even if you stay quite I would still keep looking at you. I have really fallen so hard for you. Please dont let my heart break it will hurt me a lot. Your teeth I saw yesterday they are like amazing like moon really. I just want to say ki "zindagi mai koi kaday aayay naa raba, Aayayy agar fir kbhi jaayay naaa raba". This line is giving me breakup vibes. Well even if I never got to be in relationship with you, I will still keep Cheerishing our eye contacts, Our first eye contact and many more. I don't want to hurt you and will never do and yup in those drmas they show as that they both like ecah other and confess and live a happy life but in really life it doesn't go in that way because things in drama are scripted and in life it is just you keep living the full day and at the end of the day you sit and then you get to know what really was the script of whole day. Do remember this thing that you have really been the heartthrob. Remember there is a heart that beats for you. I just adore you a lot and I am really so much into you. There are mnay ways I could talk with you but I don't want to use any if them because I want you to be yourself. I would never force you. But I will never stop loving you. May be the people out there hate you, but believe me I am always gona love you, because my heart belives that there is something magical in you. Remember I am gonna keep loving you till the end even though I know it will be unrequited love at the end. You know what
Dekha zamaana saara bharam hai
Ishq ibaadat ishq karam hai
Mera theekana tere hi dehleez hai
Ho main hoon deeware
Chhat hai piya tu
Rabb ki mujhe nemat hai piya tu
Mere liye tu barkat ka taveez hai
© reminisce
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