2 views
The demon lord who looked inside himself
It is said that there once lived a god who was called the demon lord. He was the most beautiful creation from the entire universe. He had the power to destroy and create; his main trait is that his existence would be independent from that of his creator. He could not abide by the same rules as the others simply because there were no universal rules that would subdue his will. After many eons his free will had finally been molded into a soul. That is when he decided he would create life. Thus, he created several worlds, with different forms of existence. He decided to overlook his creation and see what would happen with no divine interference. Soon, his creation fell into self-destruction. This terrible suicide hurt the demon lord so much that he fell into the depths of despair and killed his own creation. Thousands of years of lives were destroyed in just one second. He then cried for his creation and decided that he must learn to create again, but he knew that his wrath was no match for his new creation so he decided to first learn more about all these negative feelings. He needed a safe environment where his will would not cause such terrible losses so he decided to seal himself in the body of a human. He chose his destiny so that it would match his purpose. With the last memories left from his time as a god, he decided that he would keep a journal of all he managed to learn and feel. This is how we, humans, managed to discover his existence and some of his thoughts. All that is now left of that god is a journal, forgotten in a distant temple, on the side of a mountain.
“I would like to tell people that there is no such thing as hell. If there were, the pain that you would feel there would be nothing compared to the pain of living with your feelings, gains and losses. This is what I discovered after loosing a very close person.
I pondered a great deal of time over what loss means. Is it the same as death? Or maybe is it something that you could influence or change. Death is a different matter, it’s a philosophy in itself. Loss and all that comes with it is more like the aftertaste of a delicious meal that cannot be reproduced ever again. Realizing that what you once had will never come back throws you into an excruciating pain followed by numbness. You will find yourself in the darkest room, lying on an altar, constantly possessed by fear, hatred, anger, frustration, desire of destruction of yourself and those around and a lot of questions: did I do this to myself? How dare others take what is mine, how dare they decide for me that I don’t deserve the best that life has to offer, how can they be so selfish, so narrow-minded, so egotistic, don’t they realize the pain they inflict in those around them? Where is justice? Where is retribution? Where is god now?
All these are closely followed by the feeling of not being worthy of feeling love, joy, happiness, enthusiasm and all these because god must have decided that you need to repent for some unforgivable sins long forgotten. This must be it. You must feel the same amount of pain. You must feel how it feels to have your heart pulled out of your chest, forced to leave behind that vessel that we call human body. While freshly torn out of yourself, that heart of yours is ripped in half in front of you, and all the best memories are stolen away from you. The very essence of your life flows through your veins and willingly leaves your body behind. The pieces of what once was your heart are returned to you.
You might think that you’re done, you are gone forever. But you still have once more thing: a soul. You manage to patch up your heart with your soul. Your soul will replace everything with sadness, despair, hatred, and your brain will turn all this into an unstoppable motivation of moving forward. That is the least thing your mind can do for you. It can save you if you let it. It tells you that everything will be fine, and all you need to do is to go through this while maintain your sanity. When you can’t move forward your mind will do it for you. It will drag you along like a dead corpse, hoping that you will feel better again. Your mind knows that you can’t build brightness with scrapes of darkness. But it can’t interfere with your free will.
Your whole life ends up being built on a “better” version of yourself. One where you are able to develop coldness, composure, ability to lock separately the mind and the soul (with its broken pieces). You are not a person anymore, you are someone who stopped listening and falsely enjoys the newly built things: work, success, friendship, love, relationships, everything that you managed to create in your life. Those nights of full moon are the only ones that remind you that there is something broken and buried deep in your mind and heart. Nobody must know those depths. That’s how you keep on living, until one day you realize something. You can’t have happiness if you build it on hatred, fear, anger. While all these might have been used as a very good motivation to show to yourself that you can move forward, their purpose is no longer needed. You had your first steps, now you must set all those feelings free, and make room for new ones. You can’t achieve retribution unless you sacrifice who you have become. Give death a try, it doesn’t hurt. Kill that darkness and let it come out. It won’t hurt you. You will be amazed to see how such dark feelings can bring such peace of mind, love, light, forgiveness, endurance, strength. Be grateful to have felt them… others go through life without ever feeling pain and they end up being defenseless in front of life’s adversities and lose faith. No matter how dark they are, let them surface, let them flow through every inch of yourself for they will set you free. Don’t burry what you don’t like about yourself and what you were taught that is wrong to feel. Those who said that you should never think bad about others, hate, deceive, hurt others are wrong. Once you don’t want to hurt others you start building everything up inside and you play by their rules. You become their slave instead of tasting life yourself. You hurt yourself for the sake of not showing weakness and hiding all those words full of darkness that would hurt others. Those around you who preach the abdication in front of despair and retribution are the weak ones, choosing to ignore them and adopt a false sense of peacefulness. Darkness and light can equally bring to life the best creation that your life can be, provided they are left to freely flow through you. Don’t turn a blind eye on yourself. Who wouldn’t feel hateful if pushed down in a lonely corner of your mind? Acknowledge your existence even in the darkest times, and make room for the beauty of the unpredictable life. Only then will you realize that peacefulness, calmness, love, wealth, gratitude will come to those who truly set free their pain, judgements, hatred and anger. Those people choose to feel all that is negative, then set it free instead of clinging to the past. People like to call it forgiveness and then strap a twisted ritual to it, making it seem something so difficult to attain. As if only saints can atone and forgive easily the evil of the world, but you, a simple mortal, need the enlightenment of Buddha to make it happen. First of all, don’t atone and pray for the forgiveness of the world, that is not your job. Your job is to make it a better place by becoming a higher being. Secondly, forgiveness is nothing more than letting go. Consciously let go of all that dark side that you push down because it is shameful to have. There is only one thing that hurts people: truth. That is why the easy way and lie… to ourselves and those around us. Truth requires bluntness, rudeness, and at times it might seem to offend… that is the beauty of it. Truth wouldn’t hurt so much if we would learn to tell it to ourselves instead of listening to what others think is the best way of living and adopt an armor full of lies to give us a sense of belonging into a superficial world.
One sunny day came and helped me set free all the darkness inside. I felt like breaking myself, kill, destroy, and then I cried. I cried because I realized I was hurting myself for maintaining a mask. I felt the excruciating pain once more, let it out through tears, anger and frustration. It felt good, I felt like there was an enormous, peaceful and sublime nothingness inside of me. There was silence, a deafening silence, singing the song of freedom. That is forgiveness – the moment you are truly prepared to let go of all that obscurity, isolation and blindness and face yourself. Acknowledge why you did what you did, why you felt the way you felt, accept the fact that you have all the right to feel wrong, feel it and let it go away, for sentiments alone do not define who you are. Actions, your character, values, purpose in life define who you are. Feelings help you lighten your burden and ease your path through life.
I soon received the answer to my question: where was god? He was nowhere. We, as humans, tend to look up for answers. That’s what we were taught. God is above and watches us and is full of love, yet we know he is present in each and every one of us. As above, so below, and yet we stare at the heavens waiting for guidance and we look around for holy signs. We are creators, yet we display no signs of the confidence of a creator. That is because we don’t need to search for answers outside, but inside. All we need is a little bit of courage, and all we can do is listen to our hearts and minds instead of limiting ourselves to different external codes of conduct. For once we could look inside ourselves, look ourselves in the eye, just the way we are (sometimes ugly, sometimes beautiful), accept what we see and let go to make room for life’s intensity and unpredictability. Once I looked inside my dark core, I took responsibility for what I had done and felt. As long as I would watch the stars, talk to God, ask a bunch of whys and wait for forgiveness and answers, the responsibility for my actions and sentiments would easily shifts from within me to god. It’s not his job to know and act according to my best interests, that is my duty. Otherwise it means that he would force his will onto mine, and that is not how things work, nor the way I would like them to work. That means to trust my mind and heart, and be honest towards those hidden intentions and feelings that peacefully reside in the deepness of my Self.”
That god has long left this realm. He returned to his throne. People would later on call him a demon lord because they were afraid of all the power he held – the freedom of allowing himself to feel love and hate, wrath and peacefulness, desire to revenge and forgive. He would act according to his and his creation’s best interests, but vowed to remain truthful to himself. This was unthinkable in the realm of humans. All he is doing is watching us from afar, and hope that we would create our lives on a foundation of integrity, loyalty, responsibility, openness and self-respect.
“I would like to tell people that there is no such thing as hell. If there were, the pain that you would feel there would be nothing compared to the pain of living with your feelings, gains and losses. This is what I discovered after loosing a very close person.
I pondered a great deal of time over what loss means. Is it the same as death? Or maybe is it something that you could influence or change. Death is a different matter, it’s a philosophy in itself. Loss and all that comes with it is more like the aftertaste of a delicious meal that cannot be reproduced ever again. Realizing that what you once had will never come back throws you into an excruciating pain followed by numbness. You will find yourself in the darkest room, lying on an altar, constantly possessed by fear, hatred, anger, frustration, desire of destruction of yourself and those around and a lot of questions: did I do this to myself? How dare others take what is mine, how dare they decide for me that I don’t deserve the best that life has to offer, how can they be so selfish, so narrow-minded, so egotistic, don’t they realize the pain they inflict in those around them? Where is justice? Where is retribution? Where is god now?
All these are closely followed by the feeling of not being worthy of feeling love, joy, happiness, enthusiasm and all these because god must have decided that you need to repent for some unforgivable sins long forgotten. This must be it. You must feel the same amount of pain. You must feel how it feels to have your heart pulled out of your chest, forced to leave behind that vessel that we call human body. While freshly torn out of yourself, that heart of yours is ripped in half in front of you, and all the best memories are stolen away from you. The very essence of your life flows through your veins and willingly leaves your body behind. The pieces of what once was your heart are returned to you.
You might think that you’re done, you are gone forever. But you still have once more thing: a soul. You manage to patch up your heart with your soul. Your soul will replace everything with sadness, despair, hatred, and your brain will turn all this into an unstoppable motivation of moving forward. That is the least thing your mind can do for you. It can save you if you let it. It tells you that everything will be fine, and all you need to do is to go through this while maintain your sanity. When you can’t move forward your mind will do it for you. It will drag you along like a dead corpse, hoping that you will feel better again. Your mind knows that you can’t build brightness with scrapes of darkness. But it can’t interfere with your free will.
Your whole life ends up being built on a “better” version of yourself. One where you are able to develop coldness, composure, ability to lock separately the mind and the soul (with its broken pieces). You are not a person anymore, you are someone who stopped listening and falsely enjoys the newly built things: work, success, friendship, love, relationships, everything that you managed to create in your life. Those nights of full moon are the only ones that remind you that there is something broken and buried deep in your mind and heart. Nobody must know those depths. That’s how you keep on living, until one day you realize something. You can’t have happiness if you build it on hatred, fear, anger. While all these might have been used as a very good motivation to show to yourself that you can move forward, their purpose is no longer needed. You had your first steps, now you must set all those feelings free, and make room for new ones. You can’t achieve retribution unless you sacrifice who you have become. Give death a try, it doesn’t hurt. Kill that darkness and let it come out. It won’t hurt you. You will be amazed to see how such dark feelings can bring such peace of mind, love, light, forgiveness, endurance, strength. Be grateful to have felt them… others go through life without ever feeling pain and they end up being defenseless in front of life’s adversities and lose faith. No matter how dark they are, let them surface, let them flow through every inch of yourself for they will set you free. Don’t burry what you don’t like about yourself and what you were taught that is wrong to feel. Those who said that you should never think bad about others, hate, deceive, hurt others are wrong. Once you don’t want to hurt others you start building everything up inside and you play by their rules. You become their slave instead of tasting life yourself. You hurt yourself for the sake of not showing weakness and hiding all those words full of darkness that would hurt others. Those around you who preach the abdication in front of despair and retribution are the weak ones, choosing to ignore them and adopt a false sense of peacefulness. Darkness and light can equally bring to life the best creation that your life can be, provided they are left to freely flow through you. Don’t turn a blind eye on yourself. Who wouldn’t feel hateful if pushed down in a lonely corner of your mind? Acknowledge your existence even in the darkest times, and make room for the beauty of the unpredictable life. Only then will you realize that peacefulness, calmness, love, wealth, gratitude will come to those who truly set free their pain, judgements, hatred and anger. Those people choose to feel all that is negative, then set it free instead of clinging to the past. People like to call it forgiveness and then strap a twisted ritual to it, making it seem something so difficult to attain. As if only saints can atone and forgive easily the evil of the world, but you, a simple mortal, need the enlightenment of Buddha to make it happen. First of all, don’t atone and pray for the forgiveness of the world, that is not your job. Your job is to make it a better place by becoming a higher being. Secondly, forgiveness is nothing more than letting go. Consciously let go of all that dark side that you push down because it is shameful to have. There is only one thing that hurts people: truth. That is why the easy way and lie… to ourselves and those around us. Truth requires bluntness, rudeness, and at times it might seem to offend… that is the beauty of it. Truth wouldn’t hurt so much if we would learn to tell it to ourselves instead of listening to what others think is the best way of living and adopt an armor full of lies to give us a sense of belonging into a superficial world.
One sunny day came and helped me set free all the darkness inside. I felt like breaking myself, kill, destroy, and then I cried. I cried because I realized I was hurting myself for maintaining a mask. I felt the excruciating pain once more, let it out through tears, anger and frustration. It felt good, I felt like there was an enormous, peaceful and sublime nothingness inside of me. There was silence, a deafening silence, singing the song of freedom. That is forgiveness – the moment you are truly prepared to let go of all that obscurity, isolation and blindness and face yourself. Acknowledge why you did what you did, why you felt the way you felt, accept the fact that you have all the right to feel wrong, feel it and let it go away, for sentiments alone do not define who you are. Actions, your character, values, purpose in life define who you are. Feelings help you lighten your burden and ease your path through life.
I soon received the answer to my question: where was god? He was nowhere. We, as humans, tend to look up for answers. That’s what we were taught. God is above and watches us and is full of love, yet we know he is present in each and every one of us. As above, so below, and yet we stare at the heavens waiting for guidance and we look around for holy signs. We are creators, yet we display no signs of the confidence of a creator. That is because we don’t need to search for answers outside, but inside. All we need is a little bit of courage, and all we can do is listen to our hearts and minds instead of limiting ourselves to different external codes of conduct. For once we could look inside ourselves, look ourselves in the eye, just the way we are (sometimes ugly, sometimes beautiful), accept what we see and let go to make room for life’s intensity and unpredictability. Once I looked inside my dark core, I took responsibility for what I had done and felt. As long as I would watch the stars, talk to God, ask a bunch of whys and wait for forgiveness and answers, the responsibility for my actions and sentiments would easily shifts from within me to god. It’s not his job to know and act according to my best interests, that is my duty. Otherwise it means that he would force his will onto mine, and that is not how things work, nor the way I would like them to work. That means to trust my mind and heart, and be honest towards those hidden intentions and feelings that peacefully reside in the deepness of my Self.”
That god has long left this realm. He returned to his throne. People would later on call him a demon lord because they were afraid of all the power he held – the freedom of allowing himself to feel love and hate, wrath and peacefulness, desire to revenge and forgive. He would act according to his and his creation’s best interests, but vowed to remain truthful to himself. This was unthinkable in the realm of humans. All he is doing is watching us from afar, and hope that we would create our lives on a foundation of integrity, loyalty, responsibility, openness and self-respect.
