Sometimes I find myself dreaming, both day and night. Daydreaming all the time, I think of what I could be.

I’m always stuck in my own head. I’m in there arguing with myself. It’s where I create my own sense of self deprecating talk and humor. Where I am sword fighting with another me.

We are always each other’s opposites, foils of another. Sometimes the other woman kills me in a false narrative that I create in my mind. I get excited to die so that when she conquers me, my body and mind become another thing. I am not me anymore. No, I can be dead while that more confident woman takes over. Those intrusive ideas can come to fruition and she can let go and be as insane as she needs to be. She is strong and moody. She is crazy and weird, but in truth, she doesn’t escape the false narrative.

She is not real, and she does not exist. I cannot be her, that imaginative woman who stands up, speaking clearly and unapologetically. She loses the battle every time because I cannot seem to let her out. Sometimes she’s stabbing needles into the frontal lobe of my head, screaming all the time. Demanding to be let go, to have her way and her freedom.

However, I have not let her go. I suspect fear is my primary reason. My hesitation is like a butterfly hovering over the flower. Should I take a drink or not? Should I indulge in this insanity?

Sometimes my anger lets her slip through. Giving her an opportunity to seep into my personality. Although, it has never come to pass, there are times I wish it would.

#WritcoStoryPrompt60
Was there a point in your life that you wanted to stop, quit, and leave everything behind just to disappear to the point of changing and hiding your identity?

© SteelBlue