I've been trying to avoid this draft.
I didn't wanted to write this poem.
But you know what?
It's better if I write it out.
So my grandma probably thinks I'm disappointing.
I hate almost everything she likes.
I don't listen or watch anything hungarian.
I hate this country.
I will get out of this hell.

Some days I just want to kill myself.
That's all I feel.
I have mental health once.
Once.
Now I don't.
Or maybe I just overthink?
I probably do.

Oh wait!I forgot.
I forgot that I have
mental health and
that I never overthink.
I'm the perfect child.
Atleast that's how I look like.
But deep down,I am very different.
And only one person know this side of me.

If I would get a therapist,
it wouldn't help me.
I would feel bad because I
tell all my problems and the therapist has problems for sure.
Why don't I listen to their problems instead?

I don't really like eating.
I don't have breakfast only lunch and maybe dinner and snacks.
I'm still fat.
I feel bad when I eat.
I don't want to and I'm never hungry.
I used to be but now I'm not.

I may be bisexual,but
I'll never find love for sure.
If it's not my best friend than no one.
First and I feel like last love.
But anyways we won't be accepted.

We've tried and no.
I confessed she did too.
Then just said no.
Confessed again.
Said no again.
But it's the last time.
I may want you,but if you say
you love me more I won't believe it.
Why would I?
You said no twice.
I gave everything to you.
Evry piece of me and I would've
give you the world.

Why would anyone love me though?
I'm the worst person on the world.
I may not want to hurt who I love,
But truly,who wants to?
I falled in love with my best friend,
I overthink the smallest things.
I look bad,I don't have a soul,
I'm wierd in a bad way.
I'm really the worst.

So I guess I'll keep listening to
"sad songs" in the dark night.
They kinda broke me but not anymore.
I understand what they say.
And what they mean.

I finally reached less than quarter of a milestone!
Now thinking back on it,
I did nothing.
And even if I did,
I probably ruined it all.

I kinda want to ignore every message and call.
But that would hurt people.
Isn't this called a "people pleaser"?
I think so I am.
I still want to ignore everyone.
So I can care about myself a little.
But that's what the night is for.

© Tortise