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WE WILL GROW
Dear Jay,
i dont hink you remember me. I use to be your biggest admirer. I loved the boldness that always seemed to stand out from the rest. You were one to not fear of anything and did everything. Nobody else understood you and ou didnt care. You loved to be a mystery to everyone around you. How could I blame you? it made life more interesting, walking around as a shadow. There was. nothing that stopped you from doing what you wanted and following your heart.
I almost didnt thought you as perfect,but now realizing that you were far from it. After a while, people started to get bored of you and i did too. But i couldnt just turn my head and ignore you!!! I was you! As much as I hated to admit it to myself I was you! I was the one who made others feel incompetent and worthless! I told people they should kill themselves and do everyone a favor! I let guys of any age use me for my body! I didnt care anymore...I hated everyone! Everyone hated me! What did life do tto make me so evil? What did anybody do to me? i gave no fucks for anybody's life....including mine!
I wanted out of my body...my mind! i wanted away from the pain I had to deal with and because I couldn't escape I made it hell for everyone else. I did everything without hesitation...fearless! I hate that word now! its a lie. everyone is fearful of something. i can't say I wasn't scared to go to sleep at night sometimes with my brothers friend over. i cant say that my heart didnt pound at my chest everytime I had to be alone with brother's friend's friends and him. My mind started racing at the thought of being approached by older men while walking from school again. I just didnt care about the small stuff that i had to do like the stupid little dares that my "friends" at school made me to do. I still dont give a fuck about asking somebody out that I like. Its not like we were planning to get married. We were in elementary and middle school...they dont count!!! No, I was afraid of having to lock myself in my room when i got home to try and hide from HIM! The one who took my innocence and told me everytime that i wasnt shit and it would be better if i die! Told me that because i stopped fighting back i was a whore!!! He pinned me against my bed and forced my clothes off my body to have his way with me everytime he got the chance. I felt powerless and when i tried to tell someone they didnt believe me....
THREE FUCKING MONTHS!!! Nothing changed and neither did I!! I HATED myself! I thought I did something WRONG!!! Like it was MY FAULT?!?! then he moved and it was all over but i was the same because i resented the fact they let him go and did nothing about it!! I was 11 years old and after that I didn't care about what men did with or to my body it was an object meant simply for that.
Over the years i ended up in psychiatric hospitals and attempted suicide more than five times, i was kicked out of school and put in renaissance, had started fucking my stepmother's 28year old nephew while only being 13 and continued on attempting to kill myself which landed me back at the psychiatric facility for 9 months. I am currently 16 and I take 12 different types of medication and cant be left alone or I will start to get very depressed. I was diagnosed with PTSD, extreme clinical depressive disorder, adhd,ODD,bipolar depressive disorder, and I am schizophrenic, but most importantly now......
I AM ME!!!!!!
© lividquirks
i dont hink you remember me. I use to be your biggest admirer. I loved the boldness that always seemed to stand out from the rest. You were one to not fear of anything and did everything. Nobody else understood you and ou didnt care. You loved to be a mystery to everyone around you. How could I blame you? it made life more interesting, walking around as a shadow. There was. nothing that stopped you from doing what you wanted and following your heart.
I almost didnt thought you as perfect,but now realizing that you were far from it. After a while, people started to get bored of you and i did too. But i couldnt just turn my head and ignore you!!! I was you! As much as I hated to admit it to myself I was you! I was the one who made others feel incompetent and worthless! I told people they should kill themselves and do everyone a favor! I let guys of any age use me for my body! I didnt care anymore...I hated everyone! Everyone hated me! What did life do tto make me so evil? What did anybody do to me? i gave no fucks for anybody's life....including mine!
I wanted out of my body...my mind! i wanted away from the pain I had to deal with and because I couldn't escape I made it hell for everyone else. I did everything without hesitation...fearless! I hate that word now! its a lie. everyone is fearful of something. i can't say I wasn't scared to go to sleep at night sometimes with my brothers friend over. i cant say that my heart didnt pound at my chest everytime I had to be alone with brother's friend's friends and him. My mind started racing at the thought of being approached by older men while walking from school again. I just didnt care about the small stuff that i had to do like the stupid little dares that my "friends" at school made me to do. I still dont give a fuck about asking somebody out that I like. Its not like we were planning to get married. We were in elementary and middle school...they dont count!!! No, I was afraid of having to lock myself in my room when i got home to try and hide from HIM! The one who took my innocence and told me everytime that i wasnt shit and it would be better if i die! Told me that because i stopped fighting back i was a whore!!! He pinned me against my bed and forced my clothes off my body to have his way with me everytime he got the chance. I felt powerless and when i tried to tell someone they didnt believe me....
THREE FUCKING MONTHS!!! Nothing changed and neither did I!! I HATED myself! I thought I did something WRONG!!! Like it was MY FAULT?!?! then he moved and it was all over but i was the same because i resented the fact they let him go and did nothing about it!! I was 11 years old and after that I didn't care about what men did with or to my body it was an object meant simply for that.
Over the years i ended up in psychiatric hospitals and attempted suicide more than five times, i was kicked out of school and put in renaissance, had started fucking my stepmother's 28year old nephew while only being 13 and continued on attempting to kill myself which landed me back at the psychiatric facility for 9 months. I am currently 16 and I take 12 different types of medication and cant be left alone or I will start to get very depressed. I was diagnosed with PTSD, extreme clinical depressive disorder, adhd,ODD,bipolar depressive disorder, and I am schizophrenic, but most importantly now......
I AM ME!!!!!!
© lividquirks
