My image is forged to the ones who see by the actions of my past. Im trying. fighting to beat my shadow. I gave you space not knowing my behavior caused the need for it. I watched you cry time and time again, unaffected, unable to see that it was I who suffocated your joy. Am ia monster? Am I really that cold as to turn your soul to ice? I witnessed you crumble and fall apart from the cold, yet it was you whose warmth I'd gathered to keep me together. I was like an infant, incapable; inadequate to take the first steps, retarded to the point of blindness, unable to see my wrongs. I validated my fear of ife and thus i never lived, scared to put myself into a situation that required me to adapt from the comfort of infancy. In validating my fears. I inadvertently invalidated you. Am I really that pathetic? What is within me that says I'm unable to equate or that i am not worthy of growth, In my own impedance of making a change. I ended up changing the way you looked at me. Worst of all, I changed the way you looked at yourself. The weight of my sin, my self neglect and deceit became too much for us. You tried to pick me up but instead I pulled you down. Broke and empty like our bank accounts, yet tactful wordplay creating a world of falsity became a currency, buying days of your hope and your embrace, all the while knowing a shattered you was on the horizon Who does that to someone? What miserable person can put their fears above the essence of another? Such a weak soul to venerate fear to the paint as to induce a perception of narcissism in the minds of those I've hurt by loving, Fear is but an illusion like the illusion someone would stay through the psychosis. Al the time having feared fear until you disappeared only When I realized the only real fear that exista under God was the fear of losing you. not even myself. I was already lost when I found you. Being so afraid to lose you was a paradox because this fear became the cause for you to leave and for my greatest fear to be real my self fulfiling prophecy to be completed.
© Christopher Newport Brackett