Song suggestion- I know the end: phoebe bridgers

My 2 hands are still tied behind my back even after you’ve left
I wonder how you're doing mom
Up in heaven
Or I at least I hope you made it there
I wonder if you found your peace you were searching for all your life
I wonder if your happy , wherever you are
Do you look down upon the earth at me and your other children
Am I doing ok?
I know I shouldn’t make this about me
But your gone and I’m still here
Dealing with the grief and anger and pure pain I feel
I never thought I would lose my mother at 19
One of the worst emotional pains I have felt in this life time
I always wanted you in my life more than I got you
I try to think of the few memories we shared together that I can remember
Like when I was 6, I layed in your bed cause I was scared of the dark and you held me close to your body, telling me it was going to bed ok
Or when we would sit on top of the picnic table outside our house and you would tell me about your siblings and all the antics y’all got into as teenagers
I miss those times, those shared memories
I was so much younger and everything was so much more simpler
Now I’m 20, feeling lonelier than ever
Feeling lost and confused
It’s all unfair
I get so jealous sometimes when I see young adults with their mothers
And their laughing and smiling
It seems like a alternate reality
And in mine, I’m all alone
Not a mother to guide me home
Not a mother to hold on to or to tell all my secrets to like I used to do all those years ago
I get so angry and I just want to fucking cry
Like all the time
So like it’s all unfair and I miss you
My job these days is to comfort my siblings
I call them to make sure there ok
I try to act like the oldest son, the oldest sibling
I try to comfort their sadness and tell them to feel their emotions
I didn’t know grief could melt into my bones so deeply
It is ingrained inside this withered body
I didn’t know grief would feel like an ocean and I’m just getting knocked the fuck around all the time by the waves
Sometimes when I think of you alone and dieing on fucking drugs it breaks me
I’m worried I’m gonna turn out like you
Is the wrong of me to say, mom?
ANSWR ME? Please…..

But I only hear silence
Silence and this aching inside my chest have corrupted me
I honestly don’t know what to do mom
How am I supposed to hold all this grief inside this tiny little body
I know you created me and I’m all grown up now
But for what am I to do?
I’m still the little boy who just wanted a hug and a kiss from his mother
I used to get so upset when your dark red lipstick would get smudged on my check
But I would do anything now to have that smudge permanently imprinted on my face
You were my idol back then
No matter all the drugs you took or all the mental illness you struggled with. You were my mom
And I miss you
I miss what we could have been if circumstances had been different
But that’s not my reality
Other kids gets to have moms
They get to go out to dinner with them
They get scolded by them and then hugged after
They get advice from mothers who have been through it all
But I don’t, nor do my siblings
I don’t know what to do without you
It’s been a year and I miss you
Like deeply
It’s like when you died a piece of my soul got chipped off and I can never get it back
I know it sounds intense, but it’s true
So as you know January is a hard time for me
This month carries deep sadness and regret
It’s like a deep pit in my stomach I can’t seem to stomach up
I would rather throw up the grief then to let it take root in my heart
But it does and I sit in my bed and I grieve
Especially this week, it’s the week you passed a year ago
It’s like I’m getting shot all over again
There’s blood everywhere
And I’m silently crying
I don’t want to talk to anyone or speak to anyone
I just want to sit in my grief
Maybe smoke a bit to lessen the pain, the unwavering grief
Cause I’m not sure what else to do then to sit with these intense emotions
That’s all I know how to do
I just hope your doing ok, wherever you are
When I fall asleep I dream of you looking down upon me and my siblings
When I was younger you told me you could see angles
Maybe you're one to and your looking down upon me
Maybe you found the peace you were so desperately looking for, all those years ago
At least, I hope you have
Cause I’m still looking for mine
In your old pictures
In my siblings faces
In the reflection of my bathroom mirror
And I just hope your ok
Wherever you are
I just want you to be ok
I love you mom
So much
Seriously


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