I'm the eldest.
I'm the eldest sister,
The eldest daughter,
I'm the eldest of nine kids.

I have responsibilities, expectations, and hardships.
I help with everything I possibly can.

I help my mother, who at the moment has health issues and can barely stand on her own.
I help with my siblings, with their homework, with feeding them, dressing them, playing with them, and understanding them, listening to them when no one else will.

I help with the 7 dogs we own, small but a handful. 3 females and 4 males. I help feed, bathe, flea treat, nail trim, and nappy all of them.
At least I try.
I help with the yards. I water, trim, mow, sweep, vacuum, and preen everything in the yard.
At least I try..

According to Yoda "there is do or do not, there is no try." So I guess I do everything to the best of my ability.

But,

I don't eat..
I don't sleep..
I don't even sit and think for more than 10 minutes.
I drink..
I smoke..
I have a rough upbringing.
I have horrible memories.
I have my own demons.
I have my own issues.

So..

I do everything else to forget myself, because to be honest with you I've lost myself a long time ago. Back before the majority of my siblings came into the picture.
I don't have many fond memories of anything really.
I grew up without friends.
We moved every year.
Each year losing what we gained the previous year.

I have parent issues.
I have just so many me issues..
And at the end of each day I look back on just the day and think… "Am I doing it right?.."
Am I a good sister?..
Am I a good daughter?..

…

Idk anymore…


© FragmentsInTheWind