A rainy Wednesday
is it spring or summer
do I play it safe or make the move to call her
one small problem
her number is a mystery
our interactions are limited in this building
even though she leaves me smiling
seeing hers weakens me
like a blade to a shield
I sense a repeat of last year
but this doesn't feel like a movie
this feels like hopelessness
does this intro really gel
grab your attention, want to make you keep reading
you know my habits
I'm not stellar at openings
I'm only adequate at buying time
Don't mind me, I'm simply getting a head start
to sit on my pedestal
made of stone and cement
look out across the horizon
proceed to scream
Should I label this part 2
for all these are simply my thoughts too
but I lost the will to self depricate
in its place is a long list of complaints
Hopefully this doesn't take long
I don't like wasting your time
and a pile of dishes is calling my name
it's been a busy work day
while I feel like there's cinder blocks attached to my brain stem
making my head feel so heavy
maybe I took my medication the wrong way
maybe I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed
but my mood has gone back down
nearly fading to emo black
I wasn't a full yellow color of the sun
but I was orange, my favorite hue
trying to enjoy not feeling blue
for an entire week
visibly and audibly feeling like nothing could stop me
celebrating within myself that positivity washed over me finally
the rare occasion was worth a party
party of one
now here's the aftermath
working on day three of suffocating on this toxic mentality
with three more retries in my pocket to get this week on track
but all I wish is to go home
sleep for a week, forget all my conversations
bury my head under the covers
and like everyone else
forget I exist
or reject my existence altogether
as I hear Killswitch Engage
sing in the background
"Will you reject yourself?"
I never reply back, I only get lost in the melody
and the sound of the lonely guitar solo
now I have the inkling to whisper yes
turn to dust like Thanos after losing this battle
fade away to another promise land
and see what lies ahead there
I know, I know
it's me that's bleak
but please take me back to the store
get your money back
exchange for something more positively worth your time
am I worth your time
sometimes I feel like I'm barely worth mine
addicted to headaches as much as I'm addicted to music flooding my ear canals to break the monotonic silence
while I stare at my hands
meticulously picking at the dead skin eroding away
like I'm a snake, shedding the dead weight
feeling like I'm insane
so I stretch and try to rest my head to ease the dread
and then another thought, feeling, memory disturbs my attempt at composure
throwing the steadiness out the window
repeating what makes me think I portray myself an outcast
talking to myself
trying to leave the past in the past
but it looks like I'm whispering nonsense while the hot water drains the moisture from hands
guess I didn't mention that this happens while I'm work 90% of the time
I try to keep it between my eardrums
yet the tether to my vocal cords refuses to keep quiet
I'm tired of today
this busy bleak landscape
the taste of bleach on my teeth
that no amount of spitting and Coke will release
the amount of mishaps reflected back onto myself are minor
maybe 5 and insignificant
but in this state of mind
pushes me further to oblivion
minor mistakes and noises annoy me the most
while the boss of the kitchen
continues to be pissy
complaining and groaning over simple solutions
over no one getting anything done
when we have 2 1/2 hours to get a laundry list of things done and clean
with little personnel
and an open all day dining room of people to feed
all of us having something to do and take care of
almost inevitable for one thing to fall through the cracks
as miscommunication is like the day is to night
it's almost second nature here
everyday there's something else
some other commotion
some other happening
something that goes wrong
or some kind of theme
of course the pot calling the kettle black
but I'm already that
so I'm just a kettle calling out the pot for what I am
a condemnation of both
I love this place
but since Monday, I've just wanted to leave
not here, just everything
it's where my head goes to
nowhere to run, nowhere to go
and all I ever want to do is take off down the street
footprints in puddles
having only the angels and ghosts tailing me
I never know if they want me to succeed or fail
all I feel on these days is a failure
Daring myself to tear my eyes from their sockets
like blinding myself will numb how bright how the sun has been getting
when it'll just make me used to the white light of nothingness
Would she, the new face of everyone's favorite game
who will be the next to reject Sypher
the hopeless romantic runaway
she, the new rebel to steal my eyes and my smile
would she stay by my side
or fall by the way side
I'm still a stranger in her eyes
yet there's a seduction to her smile
yet there's a fondness she returns when shes the fondness in mine
I'm obvious and hide my emotions poorly
I'm poorly unimportant
with the desire to very much be
only known to be someone's temporary
please let me have a chance to be permanent
I know I'm a petulant child complaining to my disappointed mother
my distant father
but please let me be someone permanent
someone to be proud of
can she, the new face of everyone's tired game
can she please be the one to accept me
I already ruined one attempt at something more with my misguided words
being obtuse instead acute
being what I hate, instantly regretting the words to escape my lips
we act like nothing happened
but I constantly want to try again correctly
can I just gain another friend
I don't want a reason stay
just have someone else to waste some time with
can I please just have somewhere to go
I am the man of nowhere
will you please Catalina be my somewhere
something to make all complaints erased
like I want to be today

© Andrus Cassian