I took a break these past two weeks
Time for my self
A chance to get in touch with the woman in me and say farewell to the little girl
expecting a break through;a moment of clarity
I ventured in to my very core with nothing but the company
of my note pad a
nd my lucky pen.

I ran into memories there
things I was shocked to find
still pulsing in a little corner
things I deemed inconsequential
moments that I had left behind to rot in the gutter

yes, I took a trip down memory lane
knocked on every door in the whole damn block
said hello to my mistakes and surprisingly, little victories that got confused and too scared to come out that they kept themselves under key and lock

I bumped into a girl that looked at me with eyes that look like mine ,only younger
"Hello,little me"
She smiled at me with a smile I used to have, but no longer

She sits and studies my frownlined face with such curiosity
I give her my best smile knowing soon enough she'll stare at the same face in the mirror
and it will have nothing but acrimony to throw at her

Before I flip a page and move on to the next street in my timeline
I tell her to make better choices so hers don't align with mine.
See I thought it was a gift when life provided all of her best so long ago
Too naive to realize it was a barter i took it all
I didn't know
Not until her men came to collect and said " Nothing is free, it's a quid pro quo"

And so I told my little self how I lost her smile playing poker with life
And how i saved her love only to play chess again and use it as pawn
She asked about her innocence
But I didn't remember which debt it paid or where it'd gone
So I told her it's still intact if only to ease her soul
I apologized for what I've made of us
And she promised she will have a different picture drawn on our canvas.

****
I dread meeting my next self
I'm the embodiment of every wrong she's ever done
A walking proof that the fire that's licking at the hem of her dress cannot be outrun

She wipes tears away as I sit beside her under the tree
" I was hoping it'd get better, you know " she whispers looking up and down my body
And my heart breaks for her
For us

So I start authoring a monologue plucking words catalogued in the depths my brain
I start tailoring her a blanket made of soft words that I thought would help sooth away the pain
I write her an ode about all the things she'll have and all that she is owed

but then I go off script and tell her this

"There is more than one fork in the road,honey
avoid the one i picked , yes, you can choose. fuck the grand design and destiny

I'm sorry failed and became a worst case scenario of this life that we lead
You, don't let the tine of the fork you choose stab you and make you bleed "

And so before I flip a page and move on to the next street in my timeline
I tell her to make better choices so hers don't align with mine

****


I'm at an impasse , a reflective dead end
I'm out of streets can you believe it?
Talked to everyone there is to talk to in my mind
All but one
I have one left to understand
" i came here expecting a break through; a moment of clarity " I speak and my reflection mouths the words with me

I've let bygones be bygones and got their forgiveness too
The mirror simmers then dissolves and with a hint of my old smile I walk through

© Ma-cal