please don’t read it if you get triggered by sa and panic attacks. take care of yourself. you are loved and worth it!

I see things that aren’t there.
I see him.
I see him treating me unfair.
I see him being grim.

The first time he touched me it was dark
maybe that’s why I’m scared.
We were sitting in a park
and he was acting like he cared.

But why can’t I sleep in my own bed?
Why can I only sleep in someone else’s room with them?
Why are the memories still in my head?
Was I really his loved gem?

The first night I slept in my bed,
I was so scared of the dark that I had a panic attack.
I felt like I was dead
and these thoughts came back.

I don’t know how to deal with it.
My only hobby is a trigger,
so maybe I should quit.
Maybe I am not bigger.

I can’t sleep
and I can’t watch Netflix or read about it.
I can’t take a walk to some sheeps
Because it is the area where we always have sit.

In the dark I feel everything.
I feel my fear and his hands.
It’s a really scary thing.
I wish someone would help and understand.

I can’t sleep with light
but also not in the dark.
I can’t have panic attacks like every night.
But on day I can always fake my spark.

It’s gonna be alright, right?
Fake it til you make it?
Maybe this time I'll have to fight alone
but all this is definitely something I‘d like to quit.

© lisann