Do you know how it feels
to constantly feel as though you
do not deserve what you have
It feels as though you are not
supposed to be where you are
and yet somehow you are
It feels as though you weren't meant
to make the position you made
and yet it was given to you
perhaps out of pity
The compliments they give you
they look you up and down and up and down
and then turn to look at you in the face again
and they say you're pretty
they say you look great today
and yet it feels wrong
I am not pretty
I am not gorgeous
I am not stunning
I am not beautiful
in the presence of you
you are so much more than I am
in every possible way
and yet you tell me that I am pretty
do you not see how that feels like pity
do not understand how it feels to be me
Will you compliment me standing
in your beautiful dress
while I'm in a tee shirt
My hair a knotted clump on my head
and you're calling me pretty
you tell me I'm so good at what I do
and I got this position through hard work
and skill
and yet I feel as though I didn't
I feel as though I am not meant
to be in the position that I am in
because I feel as though it was given to me
on accident
on chance
because everyone else made a mistake
I didn't for once and therefore I flew ahead
and yet the mistakes I make now
are more than the mistakes they make
and they made one that ruined them
I feel as though I do not deserve
the positions given to me
because the placement that I have been given
is not right
It's too high
it's too much
there's too much involved
It feels as though there's a weight on my shoulders
because if I mess this up it's all on me
and yet they gave it to me
they gave it to me
and said that it was for me
that it was right for this place
and I do not feel like it
so why am I here
why am I standing here
amongst these high rank people
who look down upon me
because I messed up
I see the person sitting across from me now
and I know they are waiting for my every mistake
and I can feel that pressure
and then I do mess up
and I feel as though they were staring a hole
into my soul
because I made a mistake
and they saw
they heard it
they caught it
and now it's my fault that it all falls apart
in my hands
It's my fault because I got a position
I didn't deserve
they pushed too much onto me
and therefore that is why I am falling to pieces
and I'm not sure how I will get back up
but they expect me to rise
they expect me to stand back on my feet
and stay strong
and say these words with confidence
because I'm supposed to be brave
I am supposed to be strong
I'm supposed to be happy
and I'm supposed to be good at this
and I am not
It is not what they want
so why do I feel like this
because they tell me over and over
you look great today
Good job
congrats
you deserve it
and yet I don't I don't deserve any of it
because here I am standing next to you
with all these compliments coming in
and I am not worthy of a single word
they beat out with my heartbeat
pounding pounding pounding pounding pounding pounding
they pressure me
they push me down
until I'm flat on the ground
like a single footprint
and I do not deserve a single one of them
a single one
so I simply say thank you
and walk away
not accepting it in my head
not appreciating it in my mind
but just saying thank you
for the sake of saying something
because that is all I know how to do
and I'll continue doing that
until I finally find a reason
to believe that I am in the place
I deserve to be in
Do you know how it feels
to constantly feel as though
you do not deserve
what you have been given
do you know how it feels
to think I do not deserve my spot
I do not deserve this gift
I do not deserve these words
do you know how it feels to say in your head
they are so much better than me
why am I above them
My friend is so much better than I am
and yet I was given the position
II am not meant to be here
you say these words
you say good job congrats
you tell me I'm pretty
you say I got what I deserved
and I did not
they are better than me in every way
and yet somehow I received
what they should have
I'll continue searching for a way out of
this spiral
this loop
feeling insecure and stuck
until I find a cure for this imposter syndrome
I will continue pushing forward
like I'm supposed to
like they expect me to until it's all over
and I can finally
just relax

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