So I was staring out the window the other day, watching the rain fall. And every drop that hit that window pane, reminded me of every tear I've shed since we became, us.
Seeing you in that dress, standing at the altar. Waiting for me, looking like an angel. I couldnt hide the tears as they ran down my cheeks. And then days turned into months, months turned into years, these days we hardly speak. A lot of things have happened through all these weeks. A lot of broken promises and shattered dreams. I still remember the first time I caught you cheating. I was devastated, you made life so hard. With all the alcohol you drank, and those pills you would take. You were too blind to see how you were creating these scars on my heart. Damn near tore me apart..... piece by piece. But, you didnt care. You cheated and you lied over and over. You even tried to sleep with all of my friends. They tried to tell me, many times. But I was so in love with you, that i would always defend. I wanted to trust you. I couldnt figure out where I went wrong. I didnt know what to do. So I tried harder and harder to please you. Every so often I caught a glimpse of who you used to be. It was just enough to make me too blind to see. nothing had changed. I was loosing you....and I was loosing me. Allowing you to abuse me.
Until I had nothing left. Pieces of you in my heart, I kept. I often watched you sleep, and I wept. Listening to my tears hit the sheets. It was so hard for me to accept how you made me so incomplete. Heart full of defeat. I lost myself trying to find you. I traveled to the ends of the earth and back again. Looking for my love....looking for my best friend. I finally found you again. In the depths of hell where we first met. But it was too late for us to climb back out again. And my heart had grown too cold. So I chased you through hell for what seemed like an eternity. Just so I could make you taste your own medicine. Just so I could feed you my anger and misery. I had to teach you just what you did to me. Over and Over. And then I came to realize, the past was in the past. And no matter how much I hurt you, it wasnt going to make me feel any better. It only filled me with regret. And I wish that I could forget....how you destroyed me piece by piece. Killing me with precision. Causing this division. The ones who suffered the most were the kids.
We caused every scar on their hearts. You and I damn near tore them apart, fighting eachother in this war. And I dont want to do it anymore. I've tried and I've tried to make the first move, to fix Me and You. Because through it all I still love you. And I cant see a future without you in it. I've pleaded with your heart, to let me back in it. But you just want to keep causing me more pain. With a smile upon your face. All these years, you would rather waste than let me back in. You just keep trying to send me packing. You want to act like you dont know what youve done. You've lied to the kids and yourself about me. You act like it was I who did it all. You portray yourself as some kind of victim I pushed down and caused to fall. You've done a fine job turning my family against me. They dont talk to me at all. And I cant help but wonder... if you have convinced yourself of the same. So you dont have to live with regrets. So you dont have to feel the shame. Lord knows I wish you could feel the same. The same way youve made me feel. I wonder if you even have a heart. I wonder if any of this was ever real. If any of this was ever real to you. I dont think you ever loved me. Not like I've loved you. I dont think you've ever felt the same as I do. I know I was never perfect but I tried for you. I put down my pride for you. And now I'll have to bury my heart...because it died for you. I've lost and sacrificed my everything..... For You.
And now im just a shell of a man, that once took your hand and tried to give you everything. And sacrificed his very being. So you could push him off the edge, just to watch him fall....and the sad part is, you never really loved me at all. MY biggest regret is I put you before myself, I put you before my kids. I have to live with the damage that we did. And you now have the only piece of my heart that I have left. And he deserves a better life than this. You use him like a weapon. But pay no attention to him at all. You get everything handed to you because you have him. While I continue to fall as you sit by and watch it all go down. Laughing especially hard when I hit the ground. Hoping i'll die and never be found. Then you would no longer be bound to me. You cant wait to be free after 23 years, all the laughter, all the tears. Doing it over and over again, youre my worst enemy, and my best friend. I love you to no end. But you've never had any love to send to me. You've always wanted to be free. I dont even know why you married me. When I was strong and tried to move on, you tricked me and you buried me. Set your trap to pull me back in. Making sure you destroyed anything good I had going on. Just so you could watch me fall and then tell me youre moving on. Its disgusting. no! It's beyond. Why cant you just let me back in, let me win, let us be a family again. We've spent too much time to let it all go to waste. Why are you so full of haste and animocity. How could you just toss me like a piece of trash? Wait! Nevermind, I already know the answer to that, im just not your taste. I see it everytime you have that look on your face. You can keep blaming this all on me if you want to. But be prepared for the past to haunt you. Because you've never been able to live up to your mistakes. And it will continue to slap you in the face, over and over again. And when it does dont look at me to defend, you dont even consider me a friend. You never have. I wish I could go and take it all back. But I cant. And things will never be the same. The only things left are the shame, and the pain. Listen to the rain. Can you hear it coming down? Hitting the window pain?
© James L. Babcock Jr.