every morning
i start the ride,
buckles shaking and
straps loosely tied.

from the outside i lull
like a lazy river
but inside there’s chaos
that waits for a trigger.

when will i soar -
when will i sink?
emotions switching
with every blink.

it starts off slow,
easing me in
to a day of turbulence
where no one wins.

hate and love,
disgust and joy,
the pendulum swings,
the wrecking ball destroys.

but despite all this colour,
my soul remains grey.
the absence of self
only feeds the disarray.

who was i then?
and who am i now?
if i had a heart to search,
i wouldn’t know how.

© ailsey