In the drudgery of my everyday
I find you almost nowhere,
My thoughts you can't infiltrate,
Although once in a while I stare at empty spaces,
My heart is not filled with hatred.
Everything falls into place,
A time when I can't recall your face,
Undisturbed in my own world I made
Without you, where I feel safe
From the travesty that unraveled our love,
And for a moment, relieved, I can forget about us.

Because at the end of a grueling day
No matter how tired my mind and body
You find a way to wreak havoc in me;
When I get home, the silence in my room
Creeps up on me like I've done no healing at all.
Cigarettes calm my senses,
Sad songs distort the present,
Books and movies are feeble distractions,
Talking to my friends offer little consolation.
You appear in the dark as I turn off the lights,
In my bed I feel you holding me tight;
Nestled in your arms, feeling your heartbeat,
I close my eyes and I hear you breathe -
Your smell is what I miss the most.

And the mornings are the worst,
I wake up staring at your ghost,
Seeing us happy, making love in my head,
Promises echo as my eyes turn blood red;
A montage of our togetherness,
Makes it hard to let go of this mess,
Filled with emptiness and regret,
A brooding cynic - reverting to my old self.
The innocence of our love stays with me,
Words that had been said keep taunting me.

The cycle repeats which I know I can't run away from
This is grief - where should I lay my discarded love?
You escape to your friends and drinks in your hand
While I sit here with all of things we had planned.
I just don't understand myself with how you treated me,
I should have the guts to leave,
Replace you - like I swore many times I wouldn't do,
Create happier memories with someone new,
"Fake it till you make it," is no use
Because even when you've already closed your door
It's still you I'm desperately waiting and longing for.

How could you make me happy then take away the sun?
The warmth you bestowed on me
Pulled me away from the cold and the dark.
You gave me up so easily,
Left me alone and dejected,
Your immaturity and accusations bruised me badly,
I brought a knife to a fucking gunfight -
I was too naive to believe you could really love me,
Letting you break me into pieces all the time.

You'd do anything to be loved - but that's the reason you're not;
That's how you roll,
Deserting me while I stay in the storm.
Don't you remember? Probably not,
Too consumed by the loneliness you always try to cover up,
Leading yourself and your lovers down the garden path -
That's what you're really good at!
You shower them with roses and gold,
Soon they turn into pitch black coal,
You're a lost soul - a boy who doesn't want to grow old,
For you they are all a dime a dozen,
Every genuine love is a dead end;
And so with the snap of a finger you move on to somebody else,
Who, even I, couldn't save you from yourself.

© ajyoyama