I feel I am a walking contradiction;

One moment I am rising,
The next I am preparing for my descent;

I break, and I heal,
I’m numb, yet I feel—

I talk about my trauma once a week,

I say affirmations to myself every day,
and yet I still feel like a freak;

That scared little girl inside of me
Is trying to break out,

And every time I fall in love;
I fester in doubt.

I battle with these things
More often than I say,
But I fight to see the love
In every single day;

I know there’s more than this
Debilitating depression,

And love can exist in the midst of doubt,
And unrelenting question.

I owe it to myself to see this through,
To stay alive;

This time last year,
I almost died.

I looked death in the eye,
And he was not ready for me;

I fought to stay
Out of his cold and stiff arms—

But I can’t say I truly feel free.

© a.v.b.