I feel as though I am the band that holds my family together
A thin, light string, actually
But no matter how hard I try, it can't be getting better
And it's sort of sad because I really enjoyed how close knit we were
Like we were all tethered together by that little string

Except back then it wasn't me
It was our natural family bond
But then mom and dad split up, leaving dad behind
We barely see him anymore. It's quite sad that no one decides to call him unless told or reminded

And my sister is slowly distancing herself
Strengthening a bond with her lover, instead
Trying not to leave me behind, but ultimately she can't be the string
It has to be me

Mom isn't as energetic anymore
I'm pretty sure she's losing herself
Not by drugs or by drinking
But in her thoughts
She's not much present at home unless shouting and berading our efforts

I can't find peace anymore
I feel that unspoken truce between my mother and sister not to speak to one another
And it seems my mom is leaning more on me
So sad to see how a once beautiful, seemingly perfect family could fall apart at the seams

And yet as the string it should be my responsibility to hold us all together
But I'm falling back into the cycle of hating myself and others
And as no one is as empathetic anymore, it continues to worsen

I can't find that place
That distant place that seemed ever so close
When we were just fine, but I shouldnt have taken them for granted
I shouldn't have thought we would never lose that closeness

Cause now my mental health is taking a toll
My grades are losing their highs
I'm falling back to my lows
Old habits I hoped to outgrow
I noticed I'm dating back to the good ol days
My nostalgia popping in
Like a faint cry from my inner child that I need to stop holding that grip on the string

But I have to hold us together
I don't want us to crumble
I don't want to relate to the toxic households that my friends have
And the ones I see on TV
I want to be the one to shine light in their world and say "not all families are like that" or
"That can't be me!"
But I can't use my house as an example anymore
I feel the string wearing thin
as that tiny little, fragile string
That even if I can fake it from the outside
Nothing has been changed within.

And it genuinely hurts to see the love collapsing before my eyes
Just to think that years ago, we were just fine.


© Tannni