I said I love you but I don't know if I ever did.
Even though we're just friends now,
From habit I would send a text saying I love you.
It's hard to stop.

I lied to myself a lot now,
But I could say this is one of the worsts.
I say I don't love you anymore,
And I never even did.
Then why am I thinking about you again?
It's hard to forget you.

I don't understand myself.
Why would I?
I still have a thousand questions.
Why do I find everyone beutiful?
But then why do I not think the same thing about you?
Why do I even love you?
Wait didn't I just say I never even did?
Oh,yeah.....
It's hard to find myself.

Why do I like girls and boys both?
I genuinely don't know.
And I have a bad feeling I'll never.
But girls are gorgeous.
And boys are beautiful too...
Don't even talk about Non-binary persons.
Which one I want more?
That's one of the questions.
It's hard to tell.

Lying to myself somewhy feels good now.
Maybe I got used to it?
I probably did.
But why do I do it?
I want to tell you all my thoughts and problems,
But what if...?
What if I break your heart?
It's hard to not cuz I kinda want to...

I want to but I can't and shouldn't.
I want to hurt you emotionally.
But at the same time I could never.
But if I tell you all
my dirty little lies to you then
I'll probably break you.
I don't want to!(only partly)
It's hard to decide.

I want to kill you emotionally.
But then next second:
I could never!Why am I thinking about this and you?
I thought about pretending not Wanting to break you but
That won't work.
I couldn't live lying to you.
But trust me I vould while hating myself forever.
It's hard not to kill you.

Same moment I can imagine myself being forever
happy with you.
What's going on?
Someone take my brain out.
I never want to think again.
Reading back my love poems,
I feel kinda disappointed.
Not in you.In myself.
I was so naive.
About you,me and our love.
It's hard.I can't take it anymore.

© Tortise