silence the thoughts from my mind. take your name off my tongue, too familiar, too bittersweet, too many reminders. wipe my memory clean of your touch, your face, your name so I can be free from your grip. who I am was because of you and I changed for you. I am me because of you. I don't like myself. change me into a different woman, a stronger woman, a more feminine woman. wipe the tears from my face. I don't want to reminisce. "my feelings have not changed" he states holding another woman's hand. I see now that I am a fool. A fool that you had, a fool that you used, a fool because I became who you want me to be, and you still left me. I don't like myself. I don't want to be near me because it remind me of you and the fact that you hurt me. the mind games weren't enough. the emotional manipulation wasn't enough. You had to shatter my heart some more by leaving me undone, undressed, confused, humiliated, empty, as nothing, as a body without a soul. did you have to leave though? I'm sorry I'm not like her, I wish I was. I wish I was mentally strong to take your criticisms but they stung. I wish I was wise enough to understand when you are playing a game with my heart but it started to break. I wish I was strong enough to walk away when I knew myself enough and did not succumb to your charm. I wish I didn't come back when you called me and said you loved me. why? you chose her. you chose to hold me by the string of my clothes and bring me along with you while I watch you fall in love with another. I don't think you can stomach the hurt of being the other girl, the girl that you ruined because i havent been a whole human being since you brought your storm, no care, no mercy you came and took and left and left me here with a broken soul. the kind of broken you don't hear being spoken about a lot. a deep exhaustion that cannot be fixed with motivation, with sex, with drugs, with friendships, with moving on, an exhaustion so devastating that you become a lost soul. "you're a lost cause" why did you have to give up. I was still there, I was trying so hard to keep it together because I chose you in the end. but I'm the game right? you're treating her better, why didn't I get that? why didn't you treat me better? " people treat you like you treat yourself" but I loved you and you were the closest thing I've had to a lover/ friend. you weren't people. you were mine. my heart only cries. what's broken cannot be fixed. I hate myself.


© candiplus1