At first, I believed that you actually cared. Then, your loud and angry voice taught me to hide my feelings and never speak my truth.

The silent treatments you gave taught me that the mistakes I made make me not worth talking to.
All your screaming and ridicule taught me that sharing how I felt only led to bad outcomes.

Yet despite these actions from you, I still remain a kind and loving soul.

Thoughts from the past still haunt me, remembering actions that I thought would heal us, not break me.
I hate the moments where the anger and the deep pain swell inside my heart. The times I can feel his need to get his supply, when I am begging him to not yell, with tears in my eyes. So I let go, and I give in to his needs.

I should try to find the good and thank him for making me this way. I am stronger, smarter, I am still a lover, and more aware than I have ever been before.

What if I didn't want to see the positive? Would it be so wrong that I wish I could trade my goodness for a taste of a real marriage full of love and forgiveness?
I ask again, is it wrong to wish that I was a little less strong, less kind, less caring, just for a chance at being happy?


© Melissa G