i hope you grow up
and i never hear a thing about it.
i hope you find peace
and think of when you felt it with me.

realizing that im better than
than the year i fought for hits home
but it lets me know 
that i deserve better.
that self care and healing
trumps wanting to be cared for.

i dont talk about my side of things
but i know that i made you feel
smothered while we dated
and all i can do is apologize
and grow with someone else.

i understand my flaws
but ive kept making excuses
for your past mistakes.
and that little bug in my brain
telling me youll
make me feel small again.

you told me your happiness
took precedence
i realized mine needed to take
precedent too.
and to stop healing for others
and to heal for myself.

i hope i meet someone else
that im not scared to feel with.
i will not put a timer on my healing
but im still grieving
a subdued feeling.

i hope you find peace in standing still,
that the next city over
doesnt always need you.
i think that was your struggle;
figuring out if i was the girl

to make you stop.

i think you were afraid of being hurt
and i let your behavior slide
because you were damaged.
i just wanted to fix you
because i was broken too.

healing has become
my least favorite process
but a necessity for my progress.

i do not like it
which is why i write.
turning the pain you caused
into words made sense then.
i became the second choice
and you became my outline.

i feel like all these lessons are
singlehandedly teaching me that
life goes on
and it's about recoveries;
they will not be smooth
but it will make me quicker

ive recovered with running,
quitting smoking
eating well,
and self affirmations next to mirrors.
i molded myself for you
but you had me undone,
just by apologizing.

so i take my time now
to heal outside of you,
to build myself for only myself
to not become the poet you created,
to hope for pockets of peace,
to hope that you can care,
just away from me.

writing doesnt make sense this time.
feels like i need to move on
from writing about you.
like life brought you back
so i can realize me walking away
would be the best decision for myself.
so i could finally move
the fuck on.

i feel like i owe you something.
maybe an apology?
maybe an explanation?
maybe a little more credit?

whatever it is,
i hope i never have to
look into your brown eyes again.
if i did,
id break in front of you,
grieving the person i would have been
if i healed with you
and not away from you.

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