my therapist says i should love myself
so easy?
this comes after two weeks of me being an ass to her for fifty minutes at a time.

she says my mind is my biggest bully
and she is right
and i am wrong
but i am halfway across the city
my heart cant believe the good in me

i curse at my mom
but trust me
i curse at myself more
stupid
useless
worthless
fuck
fuck
fuck
i blame myself for any mistake someone makes
i am always the problem
and always the mess
and too much
and never good enough
never deserve to rest
work
work
work
i am on all the time

my sister says i look pretty
i feel ugly inside
my dad said i was smart
i feel like shit in my mind

see what happens after i berate myself
my heart breaks twice
once for the fact that i hate myself
and again for the fact that i cant try to not

i would love to hug all the parts of me
kiss my scars
tell my story
i would love to be happy
healthy
anything but me
i wish i can forgive my mistakes
and validate my pain
and accept my weight
and hold my own hand
and plan for a future i plan to have

and my heart breaks a third time
becuase even if i try
i never seem to get it right

please i cry
i just want to love myself
for just one night
please
if i love myself
will it make everything alright?


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