P.S: I’ve been really busy these last 2 months, moved in my own place and I’ve started my senior year of college. I’ve been so busy it’s been hard to write so this is more of a free flow poem, enjoy.
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I try opening myself up to people
But it seems to backfire
I’m feeling like I’m stuck on a high wire
Wanna go retire
From this desolate place I call home
I've got a house and roommates but I feel like i'm all alone, stuck in this dark room
Not gonna make it out of this bottomless pit in my heart
Want to run away, I gotta restart
Afraid my woes and worries will follow me till the end
I’m gonna die one day alone with no one attending my funeral it seems
Can’t keep things straight in my head
Just wanna hide under my covers
I just wanna become one with my bed
Can’t seem to pinpoint what’s wrong with me
Been searching for myself all these cold lonely nights
I try surrounding myself with other humans but this chronic loneliness never goes away
Maybe I’m a disease ridden person
Maybe I’m just not meant to find love
In friendships, in partners and maybe not even in myself
I’ve been told countless times that I’m a free spirit
That I’m a wanderer
Gonna go pull up some sad songs
Call me a sonder-er
Pull a gun out of my belt
I’ll shoot myself through my 2 way mirror
2 way paved reflection
Gone keep firing these bullets at random
I call it a multi-head on collision
Lots of misdirection, I call it improvising
I keep smoking weed and cigs cause I feel trapped inside my own body
Inside my own brain
I keep indirectly driving myself insane
I keep talking in patterns cause that’s all I’ve seem to know to do all these fucking years now
I cuss a lot
I drink to much
I pick dangerous men to fall in love with
I pick chaotic relationships to feel less boring and mundane
To keep myself distracted from all this constructed pain
In a way I’m just like the people I despise
Feel in love years ago with a 2 faced gemini
Fell in love with a cancer man
But he was way too sensitive for my cold heart
But no matter the people I’ve loved, the drugs I’ve taken or the friendships I curate
I still couldn’t find the internal answers I was search for
I’ve realized i dive into other people cause i secretly ache
When i'm alone i hold myself down in the dark, like a internal escape mechanism
My heart aches and my chest gets tight even though im years apart from my old myself
I’m always begging for someone to come cut me open
I want to let this love leak out
Onto my messed up white bed sheets
I want someone to love me but I keep Turning them all away
What am I supposed to do
How should I change myself
Who’s really gonna stay?
Self reflection and self correction is my moral code
There’s a right and a wrong
Or so I used to think
Black and white thinking has backfired on me recently
Now when I blink my life flashes before my eyes, life is some kind of fucked up game it seems
I was 12 and now I’m 21
The sun still shines and I pray to the moon when it’s full at night
My life keeps flashing before my own very eyes
But I still feel all Alone
This chronic ache inside me won’t subside
Someone come kill me
Let my soul rise above this earthly plane
Let me go somewhere I haven’t been
I’ll bleed at the altar to repent for all my sins
A lier, a their, a wanna be artist
A loser, a poet, I feel like I’m always starving
I pray to god in the shower when I’m alone
Getting on my hands and knees to pray to a higher power
I sometimes don’t believe in him unless I need something
That’s probably my issue is that i'm a massive hypocrite
I want what everyone else has but i seem to not be working hard enough for it
I tell others how their wrong but i can’t seem to fix my own issues
I keep looking back at my old poems
I’ve changed so much but I’m still the same person
Playing the same blame games
Playing the victim
Playing the bad guy
I’m all the difference sides of of calculated self
I’m truly part of a 1 man band
I don’t got a plan
Been taking it day by day
Feeling so alone I’m always aching
I just wanna curl in a ball and get fucking so high I see my version of god
Feeling so lost no matter the shit i achieve
No matter the external validation i receive
No matter the love i so religiously, belligerently yearn for
I’m still a lost spirit
I cry and I year and I ache
But truly it’s never gonna go away
Not until I’m in the after life
And that makes me fucking even sader
Because I want it all but I don’t think I’m gonna obtain it
I'm a bleeding wound in a world full of blood suckers
I’m a gun firing at anyone that comes near me
All my tears ricochet
All my fears coming to life
Just wanna die
I don’t want to be here anymore
Someone find me an escape exit out of here
I’m all bent out of shape
Want to just run away
And never turn back


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