one of my students
came up to me
during break yesterday,
unprompted,
and very confidently told me
that I'm the best teacher ever.

it broke me.
it haunts me.

I didn't let this show
in the moment,
of course.
I thanked the student
and told them I
appreciated their kind words.

inside,
though?
I broke.

I spend so much
of my time hating myself,
drowning myself out,
and reminding myself
of all the people I've failed
over the course of my life,
that this praise is unworthy.

I am unworthy.

I've never been able
to LIVE for myself.
my only motivation to do so
is fueled by others.
I don't have a life.
I teach,
I binge-watch TV,
and I (hopefully) sleep.

wash,
rinse,
repeat,
day in and day out.

if my students turned
around and said they hated me,
i'd probably reply,
"fair enough."

some days,
I feel
like a classroom banshee.
other times,
I feel
like my adhd and
auditory sensory issues
make me unfit for the classroom.

...and then they turn around
and show me love.
they gravitate towards me
at break times,
they desperately want to know
my opinion on trivial matters,
they shower me with
undeserving praise.

and I don't know
what to do.

I do not have a
'work/life balance.'
I don't think that
exists
for me.
I am a being fueled by
self-loathing,
avoidance,
and dissociation.

I overwork myself
to keep my demons at bay.

and sometimes,
in brief,
desperate glimpses
of greener grass,
it's all worth it.
© O.M.A

#poem #poetrycommunity #Teacher #teachers #reflection #mentalhealth #depression #writco #writcoapp #neurodiversity