I feel lost ...

Alone ... terribly alone ...

Fighting back
is getting old ...

I'm ready for someone
to take my hand,
telling me
I'm not alone.
Tears drop
silently down
onto the chilly,
dark night ground ...

I'm so cold
inside my soul,
shivering through
to my bones.
I try to concentrate
in hopes this
apprehension
calms down inside.
It's not a
physical cold,
it's from
the inside out ...

Shaky inside
from my head
to the tips
of my toes,
my feet,
sludging along,
as if in quicksand,
my brain hurts,
throbbing
into the secret
parts of
my very soul ...

Heinous taunts come
from the thoughts
that aren't mine,
making this world
seem unfeeling,
not giving me
any consolation.
Making me
stay in this
miserable place.
No matter
how I fight,
I cannot leave ...

I'm not fully depressed,
that's the whole thing.
This crazy disorder
I've dealt with forever
is the culprit
and stress
only magnifies
the intensity
of the anxiety,
depression
and ADHD blackness ...

After this feeling
leaves,
I simply brush it off
and go on ...
It lasts so long
however, I'm always
grateful when it's gone ...

Feeling wrung out
from the energy
it takes
to go through
what
I've described above ...

I'm just pleased
it's over,
for now anyway,
but knowing it will
return again
soon enough ...

I cringe ...

I can handle
the hyper moments
because
I'm at my
most creative
during those
exuberant times ...

I won't sleep for days
at a time and I
write, write, write
my little heart out ...

It's almost like
I'm on drugs,
it's euphoric almost!
I almost
don't want
meds for it
because of these
"high" times ...

No, it's these moments
as I related above,
that pitch me
straight into
the pit of hell.
The hopeless,
dark, cold
and lonely world ...

The stronghold is real
and harrowing,
nevertheless
you will feel as if
it will never end ...

... infinity ...

I can certainly see
how some want to
die to get out,
yet my soul
would never
let me take
myself away ...

It will last
as long
as "it" decides
and I'm stuck,
riding those
crashing waves.
Holding on for
dear life,
as they
beat me down,
struggling to keep
my thoughts mine ...

Slowly it happens,
and when it's over,
I go back
to ordinary
things, but
I know before long,
I will be transported
back into the blackness ....

God does, thankfully,
look out for me
during these
nosedives into hell,
otherwise
I know I would
never be released ...

written by:
Melodie Michelle Wood
© rawthoughtsfromchelle