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Half a person
I’m truly feeling like half a person
I’m lacking my purpose.
I want to restart over and never look back sometimes
I feel like I’m living in a fucking up lie
A lie I’ve made for myself
To reach some arbitrary goal
To reach some final destination in my fucked up head
But this feeling doesn’t stop
Nothing ever goes away
It all just stays the same
My job that I hate
The people I associate myself with who behind my back tear me down
The classes I take
It’s all too much
I’m so overstimulated
Like I can’t just sit down and breathe
I just have to go and go and my body isn’t used to that
My body isn’t used to working and going to school 7 days a week
I want it all to end
I want to see my family again
I want to start over
I want to tear this life down that I have worked to create
I tell myself I could go somewhere new
Where no one knew my name
Where I didn’t have school or work
But i have glued myself down in the life I’ve curated
I’m stuck mentally,physically and especially emotionally
I can’t form a coherent full thought
I swim in the pool of half baked poems in my head
The water pulls me under and I can’t breathe some days
The worst part is I think I’ve drowned myself
Probably on purpose
Or it’s because I’m so used to taking on too much
Alll my life I’ve always been an overachiever
I do it cause I’m insecure
Cause if i don’t keep doing shit
I have to sit still and think about where I’m standing
And I never stand in the same place twice
I’m always moving so I can loose myself in my exterior world
Through friendships and phone calls
Through drugs and random sex
Through prolonged achievements and external validation
Im feeling Like half a person these days
My thoughts and feelings aren’t connecting to each other
They are 2 separate entities
I want to write more poems and read more and take cute pics through my own world lense
Instead I have to work like a dog and get a fuck ass degree that I don’t know why I even am getting it
21 never felt so confusing and difficult and lonely
But this time it’s a different type of loneliness
Cause I’ve realized now I am on my own individual path in life
I can’t relate to my peers
Even when we talk I just nod my head and smile
But I don’t know shit
I feel like I’m cosplaying as an adult
Work, school
Repeat
Prepare
Repeat
Repetition condensing into itself
Broke asf
Sad asf
But these days it all seems so different
Every year I’ve changed but everyone perceives me as the same old me
I want to be a new me
Fuck this self identity shit
I want to claw at the walls of my mind and build a new foundation
I scream inside my head every day but then I tell myself to shut the fuck up
To just take it
But fuck taking this shit
I’m angry and sad and fucking confused
I’m truly feeling like half a person
And I’m not happy nor satisfied
I just want curl up in a ball and be reborn
Start somewhere new
Where no one knows my name
Or my face
Or the identity I’ve always outwardly performed to appease others
I just want to be something new
Where no one knows my name
© All Rights Reserved
I’m lacking my purpose.
I want to restart over and never look back sometimes
I feel like I’m living in a fucking up lie
A lie I’ve made for myself
To reach some arbitrary goal
To reach some final destination in my fucked up head
But this feeling doesn’t stop
Nothing ever goes away
It all just stays the same
My job that I hate
The people I associate myself with who behind my back tear me down
The classes I take
It’s all too much
I’m so overstimulated
Like I can’t just sit down and breathe
I just have to go and go and my body isn’t used to that
My body isn’t used to working and going to school 7 days a week
I want it all to end
I want to see my family again
I want to start over
I want to tear this life down that I have worked to create
I tell myself I could go somewhere new
Where no one knew my name
Where I didn’t have school or work
But i have glued myself down in the life I’ve curated
I’m stuck mentally,physically and especially emotionally
I can’t form a coherent full thought
I swim in the pool of half baked poems in my head
The water pulls me under and I can’t breathe some days
The worst part is I think I’ve drowned myself
Probably on purpose
Or it’s because I’m so used to taking on too much
Alll my life I’ve always been an overachiever
I do it cause I’m insecure
Cause if i don’t keep doing shit
I have to sit still and think about where I’m standing
And I never stand in the same place twice
I’m always moving so I can loose myself in my exterior world
Through friendships and phone calls
Through drugs and random sex
Through prolonged achievements and external validation
Im feeling Like half a person these days
My thoughts and feelings aren’t connecting to each other
They are 2 separate entities
I want to write more poems and read more and take cute pics through my own world lense
Instead I have to work like a dog and get a fuck ass degree that I don’t know why I even am getting it
21 never felt so confusing and difficult and lonely
But this time it’s a different type of loneliness
Cause I’ve realized now I am on my own individual path in life
I can’t relate to my peers
Even when we talk I just nod my head and smile
But I don’t know shit
I feel like I’m cosplaying as an adult
Work, school
Repeat
Prepare
Repeat
Repetition condensing into itself
Broke asf
Sad asf
But these days it all seems so different
Every year I’ve changed but everyone perceives me as the same old me
I want to be a new me
Fuck this self identity shit
I want to claw at the walls of my mind and build a new foundation
I scream inside my head every day but then I tell myself to shut the fuck up
To just take it
But fuck taking this shit
I’m angry and sad and fucking confused
I’m truly feeling like half a person
And I’m not happy nor satisfied
I just want curl up in a ball and be reborn
Start somewhere new
Where no one knows my name
Or my face
Or the identity I’ve always outwardly performed to appease others
I just want to be something new
Where no one knows my name
© All Rights Reserved
