I don't wish to be dead
But I dream of getting swallowed by a black hole.
Seeing the eternal horizon with my bloodshot eyes,
Feeling it with my dying heart.
Freezing in the eternal void of space and time
Never to return back, again.
Never to be alive, again.
I don't wish to be dead,
But I want to know the taste of cyanide.
I'd never be able to tell how it tastes to anyone.
A secret I will take to my grave.
A truth I'd sleep with, on my death bed.
I don't wish to be dead
But I want to know how drowning feels like.
In middle of the sea.
Trying hard to breathe.
But something pulls me down and I keep fighting my way back up.
But the waters don't give up.
They break all my chains to the world and fill me up.
I don't wish to be dead
But I want to know how it feels to bleed to death
How a cut on my wrist can cut all my connections to the brain
How a cut can stop my heart from beating.
How much can it really hurt and how much can I bleed?
I'd sit in the bathtub with a bottle of whiskey and a cigarette
Laughing and smoking and drinking amidst all the pain.
Because I'm dying and I'm not trying to save me
Because I want to know how it all feels

I don't wish to be dead
But I want to know how it feels to jump off the edge
To dive when I'm scared of heights
A way I'd conquer my fears
To dive without any regrets
I want to see if I become a bird and learn to flap my wings
And fly against all the troubles and these winds.
I don't wish to be dead
But I want to see death
Greet it like an old friend and stay with it.
I want to know how it feels to spend an eternity in a wonderful coffin of my name.
I don't wish to be dead
But I want to know if I ever mattered.
If I wasn't really as pathetic as I thought I was,
When I was breathing.
I want to know if anyone would cry,
When they know I cease to exist.
Will it really matter?
I would never know.
I don't wish to be dead
But it's just a thought I can't repudiate.
A thought so enticing
That all my pleasant dreams surround it.
While my nightmares begin when I wake up
Way too alive, still breathing.
©halfburntcigs
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