I am lost in world of memories, longing for the touch of the past, dreading the current and unable to think about the future. They always say missing people comes in waves well mine come in movie clips. With every innocent conversation just enough to keep me interested they flood back. It's never just a preview of what was. It's the whole damn movie. Always ending in same tragedy but I always hit replay like the ending will be different this time. I will be enough this time. Every innocent hello leaves me in tears when the sun goes down. The end is always my heart strung out and my veins bleeding. I've watched the same version of the same movie for 10 years. Some years casted a new lead Male other years a recycle old leads but always the same tragedy. Shaking , pale, and really thinking I could die from heartbreak. The end of the movie plays out my insecurities so well that it's the only thing I remember. The what i did wrong. I blocked his phone number and I thought about him all day long because he wasn't at work when I got there. I left work and there was another harmless man who had taken my heart and knew it. Each word he spoke came laced with venom but I listened anyways. The same story the same ending. What the hell is wrong with me? I am in control of the screen play is what I tell myself but I am not. The instant connection you feel with someone , the moment they take your breath away, the moment time stops and boom the movie begins. I lose myself everytime in loving the wrong people. I usually end up questioning my sanity. Loneliness creeps in and I reach for an old lead why? Because alone is the scariest place for me to be. I try new techniques and cast the actors well less stipulation and lower expectations begging them to finish the movie. How did I become so lost when it's my screenplay? When I write the story. Why is the ending always me loving so much more. Tonight my movie clips are relentless and the popcorn is stale. They end the same and they all are repeat. Save me from another romantic horror show that is my life
©kottak