Bare with me while I go all over the place. Its been the method of my mind my whole life. What I leave behind can be considered the last opportunity to pick my brain. If your reading this it means I was successful in my attempts to cleans this world of me. Or the universe has done it for me. Lets begin.
First I would like to relieve all that are out there with very strong opinions about who I am and what my intentions were while I was alive. I understand most of them. I want to acknowledge that I came to realize that I was a piece of shit to this earth. Though my intentions in my heart was never to cause this world pain for I had seen enough. I think I fixated on things so deep I got lost. I was never able to break the paradox of my guilt, shame, and acceptance. I always found myself on the other side of a mistake wondering why. I convinced myself there was an external source that was at least compelling my actions to be as they were. My whole life there was a part of me that was constantly running from something internal or external. I wallowed in my pity and blinded myself from the truth behind everything. I was weak. The experiences I had, each one was real to me and the emotions that were involved was as well. Ive always been the type to feel as much as I could no matter what feeling it was. So I found myself in deep passions of love that numbed even the harshest of pains and at times seen things that were never there. Again an all to real experience to me as I felt them. And so many more times baring a crippling depression that had bottomless pits and endless trains of thought. If not for the gift of writing I would never be able to understand things the way that I feel as I do now. My communication methods are as I have said many times before not for this world. Layers and layers of considerations along side a desire to want to provide the best possible way to be understood so that when I wasn’t I didn’t feel instant regret for not doing it better. It has caused so many to lose interest in my expressions. I ran from parts of myself that hurt others and will always have a impact on their every day lives. I am certain that there will be many that find peace or relief in the fact I am gone. It has finally stuck. That there has been people that have told me to end my life and told me the world would be better without me. Paired with my own conclusions that I am not good for this world. Some were people I cared and loved the most. I've expressed that I loved them and that id do anything for that love and to see that they are happy. They said they would be happy if I did end my life. Why didn’t I do it then? Instantly putting my love for them into question. Leaving the idea that perhaps I never know how to truly love at all. It doesn’t seem I was shown much of it though my childhood and I was driven to understand everything I couldn’t understand and I think I got it wrong. Got lost in the most poetic and statemented ways of showing compassion and love as to prove to myself that it was understood by me what love was and I had so much to give. Intentionally it carried no harm. But it always did. To them and to me. So many times I found myself broken trying to pick the pieces of myself off the ground. Finding it impossible because the image of me wasn’t understood before each break. Even as I write this I hope that it wont end up just another note to self full of aspirations of suicide and death. I'm scared I stand in the middle of two existences and I find that I am equally scared of them both. Life and death. Only one side contains the stop to my influence on the world and the potential hurt I always seem to leave behind. My death may hurt some but I know they will move on and continue their lives. Beginning the process of resolution to all si have become to them. Instead of continuing to battle with who I want myself to be and what they need me to be. If the weight on my shoulders really was just nothing I cant explain then why its come to feel so heavy. Im lost, im tired, everyone is right. This isn't wrong. I am ready to see what happens next if anything at all. Live on and be happy. Hold no regret about me. You couldn’t have saved me I couldn’t save myself. Remember me for what I hoped for and not what I amounted to be. I love you girls. Daddy is so sorry. Oralee I hope you are born healthy and strong and you and your mother live a long and happy life. Your sisters cant wait to meet you. Delila I hope you learn to not feel so deeply it will only bring you sorrow. Be logical like your sister Adelynn. Adelynn keep being the rainbow to this world and keep a smile on everyone's face but remember that if an emotions is confusing reach out to your loved ones and work through it don’t repress. Your free now world. I will become the silence that stood by my side even through my loudest of life. Waiting for this day to come. My story has ran out of pages and its time to close the book. And with one last look at the title you will read. The life and failure of Justin Smith. If I get a tombstone let it only read one thing. "I tried."

© justin_ur_imagination