0 views
Dear Diary
Dear Diary
Dear Diary, I woke up today feeling apathetic. I woke up feeling like I was a shell of my old self. I woke up questioning if I should ever let myself love again. I ask myself what's the point of love? I always am played with like a toy or lied to by the ones I choose to love. I woke up wondering what my purpose is. What am I supposed to do with my life? Should I aim to please others more than my own self? Or should I please myself while not giving a damn what pleases others? Should I be fake to those to those are fake to me? Or should I kill them with kindness? It's the same shit but a different day, that's my motto. I feel like I'm hated by many but loved by few. They tell me keep your friends close but your enemies closer. Tell me how do I keep my enemies close while fighting the urge to stab their eyes out? I've been on this earth for nearly the quarter of a century but I'm starting to realize I recognize fake but barely recognize real. They tell me real recognize real does that make me fake? I tried my best to fill my heart with nothing but sincerity and compassion. But all that sincerity and compassion has been emptied out from my heart. Hostility and bitterness have taken its place. But I have my kindness and caring demeanor on the surface. Strangers can't see the true contents of my heart. I've always been the one trying to commit myself to those who would never dare commit themselves to me. It's like I fell into their traps like that mouse running into the mouse trap full of cheese. I've constantly given my heart and soul to those who are least deserving of it. I'm down for those who were never down for me. They smile in my face while they talk so much bullshit behind my back. I'd rather you be loyal behind my back then blind my eyes with your fake loyalty. Drake said it best: I got fake people showing fake love to me. So much fake love to the point that I doubt real love truly exists. No one wants to hear me complain and no one cares if I want to vent. So I turned to you diary, even though I know you'll never give me an answer to my questions you always listen. I'm giving my trust to an inanimate object because all these animate objects that we call human beings enter my life throwing me nothing but drama. I never asked for drama and I never needed it. But at this point you might as well say drama is my middle name. Drama is stuck to me like a sticker that refuses to come off. No matter how much I run it's attached to me by the hip. If drama was a person I'd probably strangle it and carve its heart out with a butcher knife. Oh was that too extreme? Call me extreme then, drama took too many people I loved away from me. Drama turned my heart inside and out. I can't even recognize my real heart anymore. I live each day wondering which direction I'm heading in. I feel like everything I do puts me at a fork in the road and I can never figure out which direction is the right one. Right or left? Left or right? I ask myself day and night every second, every minute but I never come up with an answer that satisfies me. I expect myself to know everything but I always feel like I know nothing at all. I always longed for a love that I now think doesn't exist. I have yet to find a man who brings out the best in me. Every guy I know constantly brings out the worst in me. I become a jealous, bitter, and angry woman who aims to fight for the affections of men who couldn't give 2 shits about me. They want to use me for my body, my personality and mind don't matter at all. For them love is physical they refuse to give me the emotional connection I long for. I've numbed my own emotions to distance myself from the pain. Like my favorite Green Day song said: I walk a lonely road the only one that I have ever known. I don't know where it goes but it's only me and I walk alone. The boulevard of broken dreams is my permanent home. These broken dreams have created the path I walk on and the life that I choose to live. The loneliness completes me, my shadow is my best friend. My shadow is the only one that's never let me down. I stopped searching for someone to save me. I stopped hoping for a helping hand. I know I'm 24 but I still feel like that I'm that kid Simple Plan always sung about. I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare. I'm just a kid I know that it's not fair. Nobody cares cuz' I'm alone and the world is having more fun in me. That's right nobody cares so I ask myself should I care? Is it enough for me to care? All these song lyrics are running around in my mind confirming my feelings. It's like the music matches my mood they're in sync like my iPhone when I plug it up to my computer for an iTunes update. Sometimes I feel like I know what to think and other times I feel like I don't. Maybe I just need a wake up call from someone...I don't know who...maybe it'll come from someone I know or maybe a stranger. If I had the keys to my destiny I'd open that door and rearrange it in a way that I can handle. But maybe that's not what I need. Maybe my destiny needs to be uncertain so I won't get bored of knowing what's next. Maybe I should bask in this uncertainty as if it's the sunlight I've been asking for. Maybe I should drown out my pessimism with optimism and keep my head up. I can't wait for someone to lift my head up for me, that'll probably never happen. Who's there to pick me up when I'm down? No one except me, myself, and I. As long as I got me, myself, and I then I'll be alright. There you have it diary I've said all I needed to say. I've let go of all my frustrations for the day. As I get ready for bed tonight I feel better knowing I've had some form of release for all the rights and all the wrongs in my life. Until tomorrow.
Goodnight Diary.
© All Rights Reserved
Dear Diary, I woke up today feeling apathetic. I woke up feeling like I was a shell of my old self. I woke up questioning if I should ever let myself love again. I ask myself what's the point of love? I always am played with like a toy or lied to by the ones I choose to love. I woke up wondering what my purpose is. What am I supposed to do with my life? Should I aim to please others more than my own self? Or should I please myself while not giving a damn what pleases others? Should I be fake to those to those are fake to me? Or should I kill them with kindness? It's the same shit but a different day, that's my motto. I feel like I'm hated by many but loved by few. They tell me keep your friends close but your enemies closer. Tell me how do I keep my enemies close while fighting the urge to stab their eyes out? I've been on this earth for nearly the quarter of a century but I'm starting to realize I recognize fake but barely recognize real. They tell me real recognize real does that make me fake? I tried my best to fill my heart with nothing but sincerity and compassion. But all that sincerity and compassion has been emptied out from my heart. Hostility and bitterness have taken its place. But I have my kindness and caring demeanor on the surface. Strangers can't see the true contents of my heart. I've always been the one trying to commit myself to those who would never dare commit themselves to me. It's like I fell into their traps like that mouse running into the mouse trap full of cheese. I've constantly given my heart and soul to those who are least deserving of it. I'm down for those who were never down for me. They smile in my face while they talk so much bullshit behind my back. I'd rather you be loyal behind my back then blind my eyes with your fake loyalty. Drake said it best: I got fake people showing fake love to me. So much fake love to the point that I doubt real love truly exists. No one wants to hear me complain and no one cares if I want to vent. So I turned to you diary, even though I know you'll never give me an answer to my questions you always listen. I'm giving my trust to an inanimate object because all these animate objects that we call human beings enter my life throwing me nothing but drama. I never asked for drama and I never needed it. But at this point you might as well say drama is my middle name. Drama is stuck to me like a sticker that refuses to come off. No matter how much I run it's attached to me by the hip. If drama was a person I'd probably strangle it and carve its heart out with a butcher knife. Oh was that too extreme? Call me extreme then, drama took too many people I loved away from me. Drama turned my heart inside and out. I can't even recognize my real heart anymore. I live each day wondering which direction I'm heading in. I feel like everything I do puts me at a fork in the road and I can never figure out which direction is the right one. Right or left? Left or right? I ask myself day and night every second, every minute but I never come up with an answer that satisfies me. I expect myself to know everything but I always feel like I know nothing at all. I always longed for a love that I now think doesn't exist. I have yet to find a man who brings out the best in me. Every guy I know constantly brings out the worst in me. I become a jealous, bitter, and angry woman who aims to fight for the affections of men who couldn't give 2 shits about me. They want to use me for my body, my personality and mind don't matter at all. For them love is physical they refuse to give me the emotional connection I long for. I've numbed my own emotions to distance myself from the pain. Like my favorite Green Day song said: I walk a lonely road the only one that I have ever known. I don't know where it goes but it's only me and I walk alone. The boulevard of broken dreams is my permanent home. These broken dreams have created the path I walk on and the life that I choose to live. The loneliness completes me, my shadow is my best friend. My shadow is the only one that's never let me down. I stopped searching for someone to save me. I stopped hoping for a helping hand. I know I'm 24 but I still feel like that I'm that kid Simple Plan always sung about. I'm just a kid and life is a nightmare. I'm just a kid I know that it's not fair. Nobody cares cuz' I'm alone and the world is having more fun in me. That's right nobody cares so I ask myself should I care? Is it enough for me to care? All these song lyrics are running around in my mind confirming my feelings. It's like the music matches my mood they're in sync like my iPhone when I plug it up to my computer for an iTunes update. Sometimes I feel like I know what to think and other times I feel like I don't. Maybe I just need a wake up call from someone...I don't know who...maybe it'll come from someone I know or maybe a stranger. If I had the keys to my destiny I'd open that door and rearrange it in a way that I can handle. But maybe that's not what I need. Maybe my destiny needs to be uncertain so I won't get bored of knowing what's next. Maybe I should bask in this uncertainty as if it's the sunlight I've been asking for. Maybe I should drown out my pessimism with optimism and keep my head up. I can't wait for someone to lift my head up for me, that'll probably never happen. Who's there to pick me up when I'm down? No one except me, myself, and I. As long as I got me, myself, and I then I'll be alright. There you have it diary I've said all I needed to say. I've let go of all my frustrations for the day. As I get ready for bed tonight I feel better knowing I've had some form of release for all the rights and all the wrongs in my life. Until tomorrow.
Goodnight Diary.
© All Rights Reserved
