I think I want a different name
Because maybe if I had one,
I’d be a different girl
Who didn’t feel this shame

The shame of never doing, only trying
The shame of never winning, always losing
The shame of attaining, but never appreciating
Now I ask, when God chose to strike tragedy upon

Why was I the vessel?

Why me to behold
To carry
Why me to seethe
To simmer, in misery

Did I do something in my last life
So unforgivable
To deserve this?
Or was it just chance

I do a dance
A peculiar one
I dance between shame, guilt, and loathing
Why me, as his choice when bestowing

This bitter self
Never shuts off
I even feel despair
In my dreams

I even dare to feel these things
When I am around
Those I love
Trying to do things I want

So I will always ask
Why me to feel this way
Why me to experience these pains
Why me to only survive through the days
© Katie Martin