I once dreamt dreams
Dreams of loving and being loved,
Of finding that thing that makes all the pain and heartaches all worth it.

I threw myself into my feelings,
Shopped when I couldn't afford to
and ate what appealed,
Drank a bit too much, because when I drink, the world isn't as dreary, it's colorful even.
Because in those tiny moments of satisfaction,
I didn't notice the numbness, emptiness and weight in my chest.

For too long, my heart has been still
Yet I waited,
Waited for that love and dream fulfillment,
that will make it all worth it.

I waited for something that will wash this pain, Shame and guilt away.
Something that will make the world bright as I believe it is for happy people.
Something that will swipe off the anxiety and replace it with peace as I have never felt before.
Something that will tear off this constant feeling of inadequacy that swamps me.
Or was it someone I waited for and wanted to find?

The years have rearranged that though.
I am no longer dewy eyed or half as hopeful.
I am beginning to believe that maybe this is my fate.
Perhaps not everyone is meant for the kind of happiness and peace I crave.
Now I wonder if I should give up on pushing for those dreams of yesteryears.

There's this little voice though
Asking "what if you are being too hasty"
"what if we don't give up"?
"what if we wait and end up finding what we seek"?
"what if those dreams aren't so broken"?

© MizaK