4 views
Goodbye January
Hello January, it’s me again:
I’ve been really sad recently. Counting all these useless, repetitive steps in my head. I feel like I have so much going on all at once, feeling so overwhelmed. I imagine myself in a big, overgrown field of weeds and dark thoughts. I’m letting the wind and rain push my body down, the water droplets ricocheting into the soft soil. I don’t know where I’m at or where I want to go. In my head I’m always pulling myself apart, into 2 different directions. I let my mind wonder into the endless, draining repetition loop of deep thoughts and anxious thinking. It seems every January I fall down this rabbit whole. My brain seems to have a whole in it-self , I even bet if I got a cranial x-ray they would see what onlys left of my cranium. I’m always going down mindless rabbit wholes that lead me no where except back to the start. I’m always destroying myself from the inside out. I’m not sure why I keep doing this. Playing with my intrusive thoughts like cat and mouse. Don’t know if I’m the cat or I’m the mouse but either way I’m scared and I am feeling beat down into the earth. The rain keeps pelting me and my feet are covered in mud and grass clippings. I seem to not know where to look. I keep playing games with my internal consciousness. “Should I do this? Should I do that? What steps will I take. Will this action backfire on me?” I seem to not know where to walk out of this mind field I have created for myself. I can’t even concentrate somedays, I am barely getting by in this fucking freezing January cold. I almost lost my fingertips due to frost bite while walking to class yesterday . I can’t even find new sad music to listen to. It’s all the same music I’ve been listening to every same January. I don’t understand why I’m always second...
I’ve been really sad recently. Counting all these useless, repetitive steps in my head. I feel like I have so much going on all at once, feeling so overwhelmed. I imagine myself in a big, overgrown field of weeds and dark thoughts. I’m letting the wind and rain push my body down, the water droplets ricocheting into the soft soil. I don’t know where I’m at or where I want to go. In my head I’m always pulling myself apart, into 2 different directions. I let my mind wonder into the endless, draining repetition loop of deep thoughts and anxious thinking. It seems every January I fall down this rabbit whole. My brain seems to have a whole in it-self , I even bet if I got a cranial x-ray they would see what onlys left of my cranium. I’m always going down mindless rabbit wholes that lead me no where except back to the start. I’m always destroying myself from the inside out. I’m not sure why I keep doing this. Playing with my intrusive thoughts like cat and mouse. Don’t know if I’m the cat or I’m the mouse but either way I’m scared and I am feeling beat down into the earth. The rain keeps pelting me and my feet are covered in mud and grass clippings. I seem to not know where to look. I keep playing games with my internal consciousness. “Should I do this? Should I do that? What steps will I take. Will this action backfire on me?” I seem to not know where to walk out of this mind field I have created for myself. I can’t even concentrate somedays, I am barely getting by in this fucking freezing January cold. I almost lost my fingertips due to frost bite while walking to class yesterday . I can’t even find new sad music to listen to. It’s all the same music I’ve been listening to every same January. I don’t understand why I’m always second...
