Is it another day for rain
melodramatic as it sounds
it's a day of pain
but it's just an exaggeration
born from mental intimidation
Against my better judgement
woke up today on a mission
dressed in my Friday best
work clothes equipped with jeans
oooo spicy and fresh!
Pff! yeah, right
all to inflate my head
a hot air balloon
the red monkey baffoon
allowing myself to fail in my pointless endeavors
hoping for a good day, even ok at best
but I'm already dreading the worst
it's all in my head of course
it's me, my readers
you know the magic word
sing it in acapella if you know the verse
anxiety
the vampire strikes again
this time more prevalent
causing imbalance and indifference
because I showed Talia the entries of before
I didn't know what the day had in store
but the bad part about being a writer
whose all alone
who will you bear your soul to
and having done it for paper audiences
in your own mind, in auditoriums of thought bubbles alike
and every single charade
you feel the need to share every simple thing even when you don't want to reveal your full deck
in this life of cards
I showed my aces
and she let me in a little more
showing me her family
it was unspoken, knowing what I wrote echoed her
it went unsaid but my brain wanted some form of confirmation
rejection, acceptance
anything, just not pity
but she let it hang in the air
complimented my talent for gab
even though it was full of compliments and come ons
she read my flaws, and my shut downs
shared no opinions and no words regarding what she'd seen
yet stood so close to reveal what she cared about most
and in return, I wanted to care
I wanted to embrace the move she made
but my eyes shone with lust
shone with desire
watching my daydreams drape my arm around her hips
letting the thought cut me like slit writs
as she scrolls through her phone
trying to control my demons
as my mouth almost form the words
"where do the dirty ones roam"
she was embracing me with care and consideration
and here I was, battling indifference
moving past my fears to show her my thoughts, feelings and defeats
I should've, wished I could go back in time and truly appreciate what she was trying to accomplish
accept the olive branch she bestowed onto me
yet my idiotic brain
chose to defend itself with sex energy
after the conclusion was reached too fast
that she couldn't care less
Man, what an utter mess
you're my audience so I cannot lie
I'm a sore loser, I can't deny
when I lose, I want solid proof I lost
to revel in sights, knowing what I might miss out on
torturing myself to move on
it was not my place any way
to attach myself to her waist
but a lost puppy with no sense of direction
runs towards the first hint of affection
It's not like I wasn't curious of what her phone contained
but it wasn't the time or place
I'm saying a lot of course
I need to shed these dirty bed sheets with no remorse
despite my complaints
and crappy actions
I'm honestly content with where I am in this relationship
close but not close enough
a friend, not the best kind
the world hasn't ended and this isn't rejection
I didn't end up a walking projection
I've written this aimed for a crowd
penned to empty my folders of the events
yet this isn't for the world
it's a pep talk to myself
if only I'd listen
I'm already crossing swords with my counterparts
panicking, causing internal riots
half of me is causing chaos while the other half tries to put it all to rest
it's a marathon, not a race
and I should be content with what the outcome got
but my feelings are robotic in nature
in the moment, they just cannot compute
Yes, it could've been worse
and I hadn't a clue to what goal
I was kicking for
trying to gain access to another world
I have no right to possess
just because mine is infected and annoying
thinking she could be some of the missing pieces
needed to not complete but heal some parts of me
I can blame life and the circumstances that brought me here
but I'm the one who took it as harshly as I did
I retain all the blame
I'm miserable, no reason to sugarcoat it
it's ok to feel that way
I'm still having trouble though
going out of my way to subconsciously ruin myself further
ruin every good thing I have
but I'm so busy being mad
I can't list them all any way
it feels like they're rotting away in a bag
Is there goods news now
meh, so it seems
today wasn't bad, it sure wasn't stellar
but it's what I wanted
it's just fine
mission complete
I achieved what I came here to do
but I still feel so incomplete
what else could I have done
shown I actually cared
not wear my sad face and crave to her curves on display
show some compassion and appreciation
instead of decaying away
what did you expect her to do
no one like her is ever going choose me
when I really dont even know what I want
yet I play victim all the time
like I'm the center of the universe
when I'm character side B
in someone else's story
and yet I'm ripping myself apart
because it's the only thing I can think to do
it's how I cope with fruitless endeavors
reminding myself if I don't get it together
I'll end up alone forever
don't mind me
this is little to nothing
something to keep the fingers moving
and demons at bay
I've got my music in, ready to play
soft songs to feel like I'm laying on hay
to reduce the pressure in my back
put me down for a sort of nap
maybe sad songs to adjust
put me on track
something to snap me out of oblivion
into the day
I don't know, either way
I'm just going to fade out and
and...
I don't really know
it's another start to the weekend where I just want to disappear
and sway like tiny blades of grass
unable to handle strong winds
Remember those rainbow pinwheels
we'd blow on for merriment and luck
wish I knew where I could buy one
so I could carry colors in my back pocket
I don't know
I'm faded gray and plastic
wrapped in cellophane
ready to simply be on the car ride
home

© Crowthepoet