I found her out in a reflection,
one day when I decided to die.
I was saying goodbye to me-
and saw her instead.
Oh how the sadness of her smile,
proclaimed my hope in the folds of her lips.
How they showed subtle signs
of absolution.
And Oh, how I took her to me...
Where we would wrap ourselves
all up in each other to sleep-
or just breathe.
Suffering this world as one.

And all throughout this clenching romance of the mind,
I hid from her the secret.
That all I wanted out of life-
was death.
Because I knew
that if I opened myself up too wide,
if I let her cradle my soul for too long...
She would know the only truth-
and cringe in disgust.
And so I clouded over-
her mind and her mighty wings,
with smoky drugs.
And I kept her down-
with multi colored pills,
that numbed everything away,
before anything could start.

And after a while-
after time dragged us along
by our hair and our hope-
she got used to being me.
She got used to the dull aching of a heart beating in vain.
She got used to the sound of her own cries,
the shedding of her own blood.
Ah yes, I taught her so well...
To watch the blade as it pierces the skin.
Because you have to be witness to the sacrifice,
for any chance at salvation.
And there is no other pain that hurts,
like the pain brought on by your own hand...
I taught her all of those things.

It was only time that made her leave,
it wasn't me.
Now she wears wooden shoes,
and speaks with woven words.
With them she tells wild tales,
about a life she only thought
was her own.
I've been looking for her for so long
I almost didn't recognize,
the blossoming of those cheeks-
or the sound-
of loneliness striking a concrete floor,
with a pause between each step...
I did that to her...
And I remember at night
as I bang my head against the wall
and drown slowly in years.
I remember when I found the misery in her beautiful.
As beautiful as life,
or the promise of death-
a soul trapped in it's own reflection...







© Rachel Amabile