Every week I got a new man
In the palm of my hand
Over the phone
I sit and talk with them
Telling them about my dreams
My future plans
I invite them out on dates
Go out for dinner
To go see a movie
We exchange a few kisses
Then after we call it a night
.
.
Every week I got a new man
They lay In the crevices of my right hand
I call them beautiful
I tell them that their the one for me
2 lovers under the fig tree
I call them constantly
I’m to obsessive
A behavior I’m trying to change
I kind of crazy, going a little insane
My right brain trying to calm me down
But the endorphins drown my logical thoughts out
I want to be loved
Even just for a night
I’ll dance with the thought of them in my brain
Under the made up blue lights
.
.
Every week I got a new man
We share some cigrates as I tell them my future plans
We talk about going on fun dates
And moving into together
We face time all day and send little cute voice notes
We trade pictures like Pokemon cards
Who ever can collect the most wins
It’s all a fun little child’s game
I should know better
Being 20 and all
But instead I’m like a love sick puppy
Wanting all the attention and adornment
Wanting to be cherished
Not matter who’s hands I hold
Lacking discernment in who’s the right one
Lacking direction as we kiss under the sun
I understand your my boy of the week
That your not the right fit for me
But I let the delusional whimsy fall apon my doorstep
I just want someone to hold me
No matter the mess left behind
I’ll fall into your arms
If you could just be mine for 1 week
.
.
Every week I find a new man
To sink my teeth into
I’ll illuminate you with just a single thought
Make you my muse, my brush stroke and emotional fuse
What else am i supposed to fucking do
I know I’m a big projector
Find me a seat to sit down and watch you shine on screen
But that is not our reality
It’s all an emotional escape to not feel so alone
I give you all my attention to feel less trapped inside my self
A metaphorical distraction I partake in
This is me calling out for help to my future self
.
.
I find a new boy every week
Since February I’ve been on the hunt
Find a new partner
Seems it’s becoming to much
Self reflection hitting me in the center of my forehead
All these dam emotions driving me to insanity
I just want to be held, to be loved
By you and you and you
However none of you aren’t the right ones
Am I too high strung and young to see the truth?
Am I the creator of my own emotional reality
Why do I imprint my feelings apon random boys
I sit down to reflect
Realizing I’ve made one big mess
Hurt others
Used and abused the best parts of my self to fit the mold I think they want me to be in
I’m not their friend
Just realized I’m a voice to listen to
A body to fuck apon
No love lies here
Just words and some physical touch mixed in
.
.
Every week I find a new man
He falls right into the palm of my hands
I know I can destroy or make them into what I need them to be for me
But truth is
This is not my reality
I’m a hopeless romantic
A lover and a friend
I take out my heart
Giving it gladly
No matter how much it hurts to extend it to another
Or how disingenuous I can be when I want another’s attention
I just want to be loved
No matter whose arms I lay in
I just want to be held
Putting myself self under a hormonal love spell
No matter if it works out or not
I’m better a molding men into what I want them to be
Then letting them be themselves
And that’s probably a trait I’m not proud of
A trait I must undo to find the right one
When I look in my reflection
I still feel so alone
No matter the man I hold in my grasp
In a way my actions are a reflection of myself
And right now, I’m not comfortable with what’s staring back at me

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