I deserve to be happy but at what cost
Obsessive thoughts rummaging through my brain
Can't follow the right direction
Can’t stay in my own lane
Letting my thoughts run wild like animals
I’ve tried chaining them up, locking them up,
I’ve tried trapping them and burning them alive
But some how my wild animal thoughts escape
They come back and eat me alive
For so many years I’ve just been trying to survive
These ocd thoughts I can not control
But I’ll pay any payment to get rid of this endless, vicious cycle
I want to be free of these intrusive thoughts
Feeling like a robot who received the wrong programming
I'm influenced subliminally by the mainstream
From the government, to social media, even by the magazines
Forgetting who I am
Seeing what i'm supposed to be
Seeing what boxes I need to fit into,
to make me feel seen, I want to feel all clean
No worries, no anger, no bad reputation
Wanting to be shiny and polished
Without out any worrying reservations
Worried about who I talk to
How I’m gonna be perceived
Worried about where my hands will go if I let go of my overcontrolled body
Worried about if others like me
If I even like myself
Calling for help but my mouth won’t open
These intrusive thoughts keeping me caged inside my head
Wanting to die every few months because these thoughts can become to much
Growing up, these thoughts forcing me to become bed ridden
13 year old me struggling to survive
In a world where my own paranoia was eating me alive
Now I’m 20 and my ocd still controls me
Controlling my outer perceptions and my inner thoughts
Wanting to atone and become a beautiful god
To much blood on my hands, wanting to change even though my mind tells me I can’t
These intrusive , animalistic thoughts
Hunting me down when I think I’ve finally gotten rid of them
Someone’s holding a gun to my head
Their hands bloody and damp
To bad I’m the victim and the villan
It seems im also the one holding the metaphorical gun
Wanting to run away into the sun
I’d rather burn myself alive then let these intrusive thoughts win
Feeling like there are 2 sides of myself
Feeling like my own evil twin
I want these hard, negative, constant thoughts to go away
They have over welcomed their stay
I beg and I plead
For almost 10 years now
I don’t know what to do
Who to even talk to
What are they supposed to even do
It’s so hard for my brain to open its own mouth
Instead of opening up and telling my truth
I want to become a spider recluse
Spinning my web, hiding myself away
It feels better not to be heard or be seen
Mabye these thoughts will all eventually go away
But for years and years I’ve gone down the same path
The negative feelings come and go
But the intrusive,OCD thoughts last
I want a way out of my brain
It seems I like torturing myself but I don’t know why
Seems like my life is all one big lie
I keep hopeing for a better Tomorrow
But I’m barely making it through today
Wanting my brain to shut down, wanting to not dig my own premature grave
Some nights I sit down and pray
To a higher power, to god or whoever is on lended ear
Asking to take these intrusive thoughts away
Take them out of my brain
Light them on fire
Let them die where they lay
Cause I can’t do this anymore
I can’t let these thoughts keep stabbing me in the brain
I want more out of life then these controlling, ceaseless thoughts
OCD is my worst enemy
To bad I keep letting my intrusive thoughts be my own boss
Cause I’m a winner, even when I sin
I want to run away from myself
Hiding in my own thoughts,
But I’ve done that for so many years
I'm always bringing myself to tears
I want to find a way out of this hazing cycle
To stop letting theses fucked up thoughts win
One way or another I’m gonna have to figure it all out
Cause if I don’t, I’ll eventually end up dead in my own house


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