I remain in my mind,
deep in thought is where I stay
no telling what thoughts I'll find
illusions, confusions and sometimes delusions ,

although,

I'm able to correctly, differentiate,
I'm able to see the difference,
between the conscious thought,
and abstract thinking allowing my mind to give imagination,
and life.
My Lucidity in dreaming is unparalleled.
I wake up as though I've left a movie theater,
well rested and charged with inspiration,
simultaneously understanding,
this mental stimulation of my Dream world, is experienced.
I'd almost rather stay sleeping.
Because my mind is like a sketch pad,
and my soul is the pencil,
eraser and any tool you can imagine,
to create a work of art.

Containing the ability to destroy.
if i could critically think ana process,
aside do now,
only,
long time ago,
Maybe then I would be able to prevent this grief, despair, and utter depression.
being a fauilure removed all trace of spiritually driven, longevity.
the Loss, Within Me is so massive,
-that at times it's so heavy to move.
I can't even breathe at times. I can't catch my breath and it seems like I'm dying. Drowning in my thoughts heavy on my mind.
Electric currents shooting in my soul,
lost and trapped within memories,
of my special ones.
The ones who are living without me.
Can't help but Wonder the things that I could have done to prevent this.
...I should've just stuck with gut.
I broke the biggest promise a mother could make,
she doesn't know it's wasn't my decision.
Memories so vivid, I can smell their skin, clothes and breathe.
Every memory hurts me, physically,
but I refuse to forget them,

They are my girls, so therefore I'll honor them,
and never hide them from my brain,
especially when there already haunting my thoughts....
hearing there laughter, singing there songs,
I at least hope they're happy.
I hope they know that I love them so much,
and won't ever stop.
I'll be lost in wonderment forever,
I can feel it, it's what I deserve.
.....

to get some peace, in this current time.
... is to pretend that I can send a thought- message till them.
complete with the sounds, and the frame by frame (INNER MISSIONS , my thought that I'll send forever, and forever, everyday.
is that I love my Mckenzie and my Lily.
I miss them so much.
I never abandoned them.
and this wasn't you're fault.


...... I love you both very much,
I ask that you be the best you can be. . .