I've wanted to ruin my life, myself.
I've wanted to set fire to my Dreams,
my colliding hope.
I've wanted to make sudden choices born recklessly from anger.
I 've once wanted, to confidently toss away my opportunity to exist.
I've once hopelessly walked on a reckless road with numbness to my core.
I've been burdened by my pain to slit open my skin,
leading pain to bleed free.
I've feared the darkness,
but as my sorrows overflowed from my heavy eyes,
I'd forgotten my fears in my aching pain.
I've feared to be able to breathe rather than dying when gasping for air.
Finally, When I looked awhile from heights above,
confused, whether to live or to dive into my grave,
I'd realised my endurance would be in vain,
For I would have only lived a pathetic life with a pathetic ending,
If I chose my end during this pathetic phase of life.
But if I lived, would my life be pathetic only for a fleeting moment?
Wouldn't life owe me peace since I kept living?
It hurts to live,
but it hurts, even more,
to die without a life worth fulfilled demise.
So, If I were to self destruct,
I'd take a slow pace and live,
to slowly wither away like a flower or
fade away like a forgotten memory.
Since I've lived in pain I've gotten used to it as well,
I choose to live as my pride will not allow me,
the luxury of chosen demise.
Alas, I know it hurts,
It hurts to live,
Yet I'd rather self destruct with a timer set by fate
to keep my remaining pride intact for the one's that loved me.
© RMJ