I feel so superficial.
I don't want to say I'm dishonest, but sometimes my personality changes so much that it's like it is unstable.
Be patient with me as I find a way to word this out,
otherwise you will not understand what I'm talking about.
Today I saw another woman get happily married on my timeline.
I tell myself that marriage is just a piece of paper, yet somehow although I'm happy for them, I'm a little bit jealous; and I don't know why.
Call it the romantic in me, but when I see it I can't help but cry.
The sweet happiness mixes with painful emotions of sadness and longing.
It's why I don't watch romantic movies much anymore, I don't want to not appreciate the things or people that I have; it gives me this sense of not belonging that I can't seem to shake.
Watching other people fall in love, even when made up, is really hard for me.
It just makes me wistfully happy and then it feels depressing.
I just see these people getting married and the beautiful scenery and the groom is crying and I think, why can't I have that?
Just to have someone love me like that, to look at me the way that they do and be so overwhelmed with love for me that it brings them to tears of joy.
It makes me feel selfish to want a love like that.
I guess it's just the way I've always viewed it, even though I know every person expresses themself differently, it doesn't mean the person I'm with doesn't love me like that but in my eyes I just feel so expendable when someone doesn't show me that kind of affection or affirmation.
I'm so hard to please, and it's a lot to take in.
How can I be so hard to please when such little moments or gestures make me so happy?
I don't need a fancy wedding, I don't even know if marriage is something I want.
Right?
Or am I dishonest because I'm afraid of being married again or even getting divorced when I said that it was my one and only forever.
Even though I knew when I got married the first time that we shouldn't even really be together.
But I loved him, right?
I wanted him to be the one for me, when I knew he wasn't but I loved him and thought that it would be enough.
In honesty, I don't want some sort of half love.
I want a forever kind of love, one that doesn't leave me wondering where I stand.
Don't get me wrong, I'm with a hell of a man but sometimes I wonder if it will be enough.
How can it be enough when he doesn't understand me or love me in the way I need to be loved?
Do I compromise and learn to be loved the way he loves, or do I let go and find the love I need?
Am I just better off alone, so I don't hurt anyone else other than myself?
I don't even think I'm truly capable of being loved.
I'm constantly changing my wants and needs and likes and personalities so much that it's even hard for me to keep up.
How can I expect someone to love me when I dont even know who I am?


© mistybby