I go through these phases
Looking back at all the changes,
Eyes set on the future
So many faces, so many places to remember
So many I’d rather forget that play an essential part to where I am today and why I am where I am
Sometimes it makes me anxious
Trying to balance this fine line like a tight rope
The line between letting go and moving on to not wanting to harbor false hope
A hope that this could be what I’ve always wanted and have been waiting for
A hope that this is my future and the now I’m experiencing is a glimpse of what is yet to come and can only get even better
That this is really my forever and my mind isn’t just playing tricks on me and seeing what it wants to see and believe
Caught somewhere between guarding my heart and a fresh, clean start
Knowing that the only way to ever achieve it is to stop this constant dance backwards
To unlearn all of the tactics that helped me survive up until this point so I can finally live
A chance to give you the version of me that I used to be before all of the uncertainty and agony
Some days I’m all in
I want to be all in every day but part of me is so scared of being completely free and then losing you
If I let my guard down and then lost you it would kill me
I don’t ever want to lose you, can’t you see?
I would give you every broken piece of me,
Even if it made me bleed
I have no doubt in my mind that you’re the one for me
I just doubt that I’m really enough to be what you need and to love you properly
I’m still learning to love myself
Sometimes I wonder what you even see in me
It’s not that I think I’m worthless
I know I have much to offer, I just know there is so much better than me and that you deserve so much more than this broken shell of a person who doesn’t even know how to heal
Or how to say how I feel
I just take it day by day, trying to love you and give you all of me in every possible way until the trauma sets in again and I have to pull myself out of the hole I buried myself in
Can’t you see?
I’ve fallen
You’ve got my heart, even when my mind is screaming at me to run the other way and protect myself from your inevitable departure
If you ever change your mind just don’t leave me in the dark
Help me understand why I’m not enough if and when you finally do depart
Let me know before you go
Don’t just leave me wondering where I went wrong or why I wasn’t enough for you
I just hope you tell me long before you do
That way I can try harder to save this amazing love we have
This love that I never want to lose
© mistybby